Kids Don’t Need Louder Arguments. They Need Parents Who Know Them.

The headlines feel heavy because the issue is heavy.

Across the country, parents are watching courts, hospitals, lawmakers, medical systems, schools, and advocacy groups argue over children, gender identity, mental health, medical care, parental rights, and public policy. Recently, Texas Children’s Hospital agreed to a settlement with the Texas Attorney General and the U.S. Department of Justice that requires the creation of what officials described as the nation’s first “detransition clinic,” along with a $10 million payment related to allegations involving Medicaid billing practices. Supporters viewed the settlement as protection for vulnerable children. Critics viewed it as political pressure against medical care they believe should remain available. Either way, the national conversation remains emotionally charged, deeply personal, and difficult for families to process.

But behind every headline are children. Real children.

Children sitting in classrooms. Children listening to songs. Children scrolling through videos. Children hear classmates talk. Children wonder what makes them valuable and who they are. Some are wrestling with confusion. Some are trying to understand friends who are struggling. Some are simply absorbing the anxiety of adults around them.

That is why Dr. Kathy Koch’s voice is so important in this conversation. She does not begin with politics. She begins where parents must begin: with children who need to be safe, seen, known, loved, and guided toward truth.

Parents do not need to parent from fear. Dr. Kathy and Dr. Jeff Myers wrote Raising Gender Confident Kids because fear is not a strong enough foundation for this cultural moment. Fear can make parents harsh. Fear can make parents silent. Fear can make parents reactive. But wisdom helps parents stay steady. Truth helps parents speak clearly. Love helps parents remain close.

Children struggling with identity do not need louder arguments around them. They need parents who know them well enough to notice what is happening beneath the surface.

They need parents who know what turns them on and what ticks them off. They need parents who notice when joy disappears. They need parents who can tell the difference between normal personality differences and deeper distress. They need parents who see beyond behavior and hear beyond words. They need parents who say, “I know you. I love you. I am not afraid of this conversation. And I will not disappear.”

Dr. Kathy often teaches that gender confusion frequently grows out of broader identity confusion. Children who do not know who they are become more vulnerable to any voice that promises to explain them. If parents do not help children build identity, someone else will. It may be social media. It may be entertainment. It may be a peer group. It may be an influencer. It may be a chatbot. It may be an ideology that sounds compassionate while quietly reshaping how children understand themselves.

That does not mean every child will struggle with gender confusion. Dr. Kathy is careful to remind parents of that. This issue is loud in the culture, but parents should not assume it will invade every home. Still, wise parents prepare by strengthening what every child needs: security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence.

Security asks, “Who can I trust?” Identity asks, “Who am I?”

Belonging asks, “Who wants me? Purpose asks, “Why am I alive?”

Competence asks, “What do I do well?”

Children need these questions answered repeatedly and biblically. They need to know that God created them intentionally. They need to know that their bodies matter. They need to know that their personalities and interests do not need to fit cultural stereotypes to be good. A girl can love athletics and adventure. A boy can love beauty and conversation. Interests do not rewrite identity. Personality does not cancel God’s design.

This is where parents can bring enormous freedom. Some children become confused because they think there is only one narrow way to be a boy or one narrow way to be a girl. Parents can gently correct that lie by celebrating the fullness of God’s creativity. We can say, “God made you a boy, and He gave you a tender heart.” Or, “God made you a girl, and He gave you courage and strength.”

Dr. Kathy often encourages parents to be specific with identity language. “Good job” is not wrong, but it is often too vague to build a strong identity. Children need more precise words. “You used your logic and smart strength to solve that problem.” “You showed compassion when your sister was scared.” “You were courageous when you told the truth.” “You were dead to sin in that moment when you refused to gossip.” “You are creative because God made you picture smart.” Specific language helps children understand themselves more clearly.

Parents should also let children hear them pray specifically. “Father, teach Stephen who he is and who he is not.” “Lord, help Elizabeth know that she is complete in Christ.” “God, show Katie the gifts You placed in her and help me see them too.” Prayer invites children to understand identity as something received from God rather than invented under cultural pressure.

Scripture gives parents words when they feel unsure. Children who belong to Christ are free from condemnation. They are dead to sin and alive to Christ. They are God’s workmanship. They are strong in the Lord. They are more than conquerors. They are chosen, loved, forgiven, and complete in Christ. Parents do not have to quote a verse every time they speak the truth, but Scripture should shape how they name reality for their children.

Some parents worry they will say too much. Others worry they have said too little. Dr. Kathy’s counsel is both tender and clear: many parents of adult children regret not speaking more boldly about truth, identity, Scripture, and God’s design. That does not mean parents should lecture constantly. It means we should not let fear make us quiet when truth needs to be spoken.

The tone matters. The relationship matters. Children need truth wrapped in love, and love anchored in truth. A parent can say, “I want to understand what you are thinking.” A parent can also say, “I believe God’s design is good, and I will keep helping you understand it.” Those statements belong together.

Wayne’s reflection on the prodigal son gives parents a powerful picture. In Luke 15, the younger son leaves home, rejects his relationship, wastes his inheritance, and eventually finds himself hungry and desperate. The father does not chase him into the far country to erase consequences. But the father also does not stop being a father. He remains compassionate, ready to receive his son when he returns.

That is the posture parents need in confusing times. We do not control every choice. We do not remove every consequence. We do not pretend rebellion is wisdom or confusion is clarity. But we remain relationally present. We keep telling the truth. We keep praying. We keep watching the road. We keep making home a place where restoration is possible.

Children are not helped by parents who panic, shame, avoid, or disappear. They are helped by parents who stay rooted in Christ and are emotionally connected to them. Secure attachment creates room for growth. Compassion creates room for healing and maturity.

The cultural conversation about gender may continue to rage in courtrooms, hospitals, classrooms, and online spaces. Parents cannot control all of that. But parents can control the atmosphere of their homes. They can put down their phones. They can look into their children’s eyes. They can ask better questions. They can speak Scripture with warmth. They can notice gifts. They can celebrate design. They can correct lies. They can build belonging. They can pray out loud. They can be the trusted voice their children return to when the world gets confusing.

Kids do not need parents who have every answer perfectly prepared.

They need parents who know them. Parents who love them and who speak the truth.

And most of all, parents who continually point them to the God who created them, knows them, sees them, loves them, and calls them by name.

Helping Kids Build Gender Confidence Through the 8 Great Smarts

Word Smart: Speak specific identity truth over your child. Use Scripture, blessing, prayer, and clear words to name who God says they are.

Logic Smart: Help your child think carefully about cultural messages. Ask, “Does this align with God’s design?” and “What happens if we build identity on feelings alone?”

Picture Smart: Use biblical stories, family photos, timelines, and visual reminders to help children see God’s faithful design in their story.

Music Smart: Choose songs and worship music that reinforce truth, belonging, courage, and confidence in Christ.

Body Smart: Help children honor their bodies through healthy movement, rest, stewardship, modesty, strength, and gratitude for how God made them.

Nature Smart: Use creation to talk about design, order, beauty, difference, and purpose. Creation can remind children that God makes things intentionally.

People Smart: Surround children with trusted adults who reinforce truth and belonging, including parents, grandparents, pastors, mentors, coaches, and teachers.

Self Smart: Help children name emotions without letting emotions define identity. Teach them to ask, “What am I feeling?” and also, “What is true?”

Remember: When children are deeply known by their parents and firmly anchored in Christ, they become less vulnerable to voices that try to rename them. They begin to understand that identity is not something they must invent under pressure. It is something they receive from the God who created them with loving purpose and wisdom.