Build resiliency in facing challenges.

Dr. Kathy dives into why it's crucial for kids to develop resilience, especially when dealing with mental health struggles and tech's pervasive influence. She points out that today’s trend—both in lawmaking and parenting—is overly focused on shielding kids from these issues instead of equipping them to handle and overcome them. Dr. Kathy advocates for a shift in perspective: viewing challenges not just as dangers to avoid but as chances for kids to grow and strengthen.

Dr. Kathy highlights that resilience is key for kids to successfully navigate today’s world. This means teaching them not only to spot and steer clear of dangers but also to cultivate the abilities and attitudes necessary to tackle hurdles head-on. Building resilience helps kids adjust to tough times, rebound from disappointments, and gain the assurance needed to manage life’s complexities.

Moreover, Dr. Kathy stresses the need for a balance between safeguarding kids and preparing them for life’s challenges. It’s essential to have rules about technology use and other potential risks, but it’s equally vital to guide kids on making smart decisions and thinking critically. By showing them how to evaluate risks and choose wisely, we give them the tools to face the world with confidence and resilience.

Fostering resilience is pivotal in preparing kids to confront modern challenges. By helping them develop the necessary skills and mindset to surmount obstacles, we not only protect them but also empower them to turn these challenges into opportunities for growth and self-improvement. Instead of merely sheltering them from difficulties, teaching kids to recognize and conquer these challenges is key to their development.

• Transcript

  Wayne Stender: It kind of feels like around every corner there's someone concerned about our kids, wondering how they're doing. Mental health is kind of on the rise and everyone seems to be conscious of it. People from the government to tech companies to the teachers. I mean, everyone's kind of mindful of it. And so when our kids grow up in this place, in this space, does this concern really just cause them to be on pins and needles that something bad could happen? And with that, should we look more at these challenges that our kids face with mental health, things like cell phones and what have you, as really a chance for them to build resiliency rather than something that we should be steering them away from? Well, today in the Celebrate Kids podcast, in this daily segment, Facing the Dark, Dr. Cathy kind of addresses this topic. How do we build resiliency in our kids? Knowing that this cultural moment might provide for us a great place to do it, but it might be kind of a dark place. Let's turn now to Dr. Cathy Cook.Introduction: Don't be afraid of the dark. Be careful with stars. Not every light is gonna guide you, baby. Not every light is gonna guide you.

  Wayne Stender: So Dr. Cathy, states across the union have been battling with tech companies to really restrict the influence of technology on kids and really the impact that we're seeing that have on kids, especially their mental development. We've talked about this a lot, and now there are efforts to really lock down all of these access points from TikTok bans to really restricting a lot of the opportunity for tech companies to come in and influence kids. There's a lot of discussions that are happening around state capitals and some are wondering if this movement is kind of missing the mark for kids that really rather than talking about educating students, we're kind of talking about protecting them. There are some new data points out that how instead of really like teaching our kids, we're kind of getting into this mode of protecting and that can kind of cause them to look at obstacles as safety hazards rather than what I would say is kind of opportunities. That climbing up a mountain and going over a boulder is not a opportunity to see what's on the other side. It's actually something that maybe we should, you know, gingerly walk around or an obstacle maybe to avoid and go a different way. I wonder if there are some of the critiques that our lawmakers are making kind of refocus us or kind of realistic in terms of helping our kids develop resiliency. How should we engage issues like technology? Should we look at them kind of as threats or should we kind of look at them as instead an opportunity for us to teach our kids how to build muscles and how to avoid things or how to, how to have kind of a radar that says, this is dangerous. We shouldn't go down there. And we work to build that in them. I know you're going to probably say we need to do both and, and we need to protect and prepare, but what practically does that look like when our kids are really facing some of these threats and challenges inside of social media and a lot of lawmakers right now, their response is let's just ban it rather than let's, I don't know, hone it or let's prepare our kids for the reality that not everyone in the world is trustworthy. And so how do we walk through that? What are your thoughts there? Do we just teach our kids to be, you know, hyper conscious and super nervous all the time when we just work to protect them? Or is there some health there? What are your thoughts on some of this?

  Dr. Kathy Koch: That's interesting. It is both ends, so that's funny that you brought that up. I think we have a responsibility as the supposed mature adults to protect. Think about tobacco, right? If they never would have banned it from young people, we'd be in a mess. And if they wouldn't have banned it from TV and movies, and I forget when that happened and all of that, but oh my goodness. What if they wouldn't have done that? And our kids were binge watching as many shows as they currently are, where the lead characters are, you know, puffing a cigarette all the time. I could go on and on with that. So I think protection is love. Just like God's boundaries are there because he loves us so, we protect our kids from those things that are harmful. We don't let them drive without seatbelts. We would never take a kid in a car without a car seat. We've always had a mind to, I hope, to protect and want what's best for our kids. I think the key with technology becomes as they age up and we begin to give them some freedoms, we teach them why we have had certain bans in our home that no devices in the bedrooms and here's why. Mommy and daddy don't have them either. Here's why. And this, you know, the rule in our family is that when someone comes to visit, we don't text the people, not in the room. We pay attention to the people in the room. And why? Because God's word says to be other centered and to respect others. And we want to be teachable and hospitable around the people who are in our homes. So I think as they age up, you don't teach a two year old while you have the rules that you have, but you start to communicate earlier than you might think. So they buy into the wisdom that you have and then begin to see that it's for their benefit.

  Wayne Stender: Yeah, Dr. Cathy, I do agree with you. I want to play devil's advocate a little bit. And I don't know if you like when I do this because it puts you on the hot seat. And I never have to sit on the hot seat. I just get to throw this over to you. But when we look at, especially that example of, you know, tobacco companies, that was something that was, I would imagine, kind of impacting some teens. It was really prevalent. But we don't see that same kind of reaction or response happening right now across the media, right? I mean, every kid on every show that's portrayed in a teenage relationship, right, in a teenage way, has a phone in their pocket, and they pull it out, and they're using the apps, and they're doing all the things as if it's not impacting them. And we've talked about this before, the reality of how TV shows portray pain and how they portray the really intense pain, but they don't portray the pain that we might be kind of subtly impacting us, right? The reality for us and kind of pausing the whole nicotine movement and smoking was because we knew that down the road, this is going to cause some health impacts that are going to make it really hard for teens. But when they become addicted to technology and kind of the way they look at tech, that's going to also impact their relationships, their marriage. I mean, I've heard from many friends One of the most challenging things inside of their marriage is the fact that when they get into bed, the first thing they do is, you know, touch their cell phones and want to, you know, play words with friends or what have you, rather than engaging and talking to and spending time with their spouse. And it can cause like intense things later on down the road. And there's other realities that kind of come with that. Why don't we do the same for technology if we really do see this actually impacting what I would say is an entire generation? Whereas with tobacco, it just kind of felt like it was a little bit fringe, like it was, you know, that kid that kind of wanted to go and smoke tobacco anyway, right? So that ban might have impacted, you know, some people, but it did impact the whole generation. But the smoking wasn't impacting everyone. Technology is. So what do you say to that?

  Dr. Kathy Koch: Yeah, I think smoking could have involved everyone if they would have allowed it to do so because it became easier and easier to purchase and all that. But that's a physical health issue, right? So I'm not privy to all the data in my head here, obviously, but tobacco kills people, not everybody. But I think the ban was that it was physically unhealthy. They didn't ban it because we didn't like the smell of cigarette smoke on somebody's jacket. It was death. Back then, of course, when it was banned, the recovery from cancer caused by tobacco, as an example, would have been much less likely than today. So that was a loving thing to do. Why aren't they doing it with tech today? Because everybody and their brother's addicted to it. So how could a TV network executive suggest that we don't show it on our shows when every executive at that meeting would have had their cell phone out and available? So I think it's just hard for us to imagine life without the tool and the toy. And yet, those people are not privy to what we understand about brain development and heart development in our young people, and that there's social isolation. And there's just so much. So why aren't they doing it? they either don't love enough to have even thought of it, or they don't think it's realistic and they can't imagine doing it. And you know what, my friend, can you imagine scripting a TV show where no teenager or preteen is allowed to touch a phone? Like the people who write these scripts would have to go back to school to figure out how to do it. Cause it would be so different.

  Wayne Stender: Yeah. It'd be comical, right? Like how does a teenager talk to each other? And everyone would be like, I don't know. Do they, Do they tap each other on the shoulder? Like, do they wink? Do they nod? What is the sign that I want to engage a conversation with you? That's kind of unique. And I do agree with you. Probably the big reason is because most of us are just swimming in this soup, and we don't recognize oftentimes what it is doing to our communication. We think that it does actually make things more efficient, but for a lot of us, we have poor habits in communication and relationship, and those need to be corrected, but because we're moving so fast, Technology is just amplifying the fact that we have poor communication practices. So we become trolls, or we miscommunicate, or we isolate, or we have other things that we don't really deal with, and technology just pushes dopamine into us and makes us feel better. When we look at this, I know your book Screens in Teens kind of called out, I would say probably parents a little bit more than kind of kids in like what you should do. I think that there's a lot to be said here. What is it and what do you kind of recommend or say that we should as adults kind of realize and then maybe change even in our own practices to build a sense of confidence and identity in our kids that they too can follow suit on this?

  Dr. Kathy Koch: Wouldn't it be great if we loved ourselves enough to want more out of our lives, which means that we put down our phones so that we engage with more eye contact and more conversations with people who we're just getting to know or with people who we know well? So I would say put down your phone and leave it in another room, put it on airplane mode or silence and show your kids that you've done it because you care about yourself. So you're doing these things because you matter, your heart and your mind and your soul and your spirit matter and you know that you don't want to always be distracted and rushed. being forced to maybe multitask when you really would rather not and let the kids know it's about the value you place on yourself that would cause you to make a hard decision to walk away from even a social media platform or what if your son watched you delete a half a dozen games from your phone because you realize that you're gaming in bed with your wife and you'd rather talk with her about her day. Or that when you have a 10-minute break, rather than resting and maybe having a conversation with somebody in the break room at work, you sit down and you're on your device. Maybe we show our kids that we want to engage with more of life, so we've made a hard choice. And then we encourage them, of course, to do the same thing.

  Wayne Stender: Dr. Cathy, you say something interesting there about loving ourselves enough to, you know, do these things. And I know that we talk a lot about how we can love our kids or help our kids feel like they're loved or really even kind of build an understanding of their identity to see that they are loved by God, by us. What would you say to a parent maybe who doesn't feel that they love themselves? Right. So we talk a lot. Is there, are there things that are kind of in maybe even like five to thrive or other kind of concepts that you've really engaged or taught that would help a parent who would say, you know, I really love my kids. I really love God. I don't know if I love myself. How do we build that sense of, you know, loving ourselves? Because I do, if you, if we kind of follow the way that you're thinking, it'd be really hard for us to tell our kids that they shouldn't do that. Because we might, it might be really hard for us to kind of tell our kids that we're going to stop this because we love ourselves enough. But what if we don't actually love ourselves?

  Dr. Kathy Koch: Yeah, it's a great question because our love should motivate us to take care of ourselves and all that. So yeah, the word of God is certainly instructive there where we read the I am and the I have statements about us that we have been chosen and we're deeply loved and unconditionally valued and we are a holy nation and a royal priesthood and we've been knit together in our mother's womb and you know, just he created us in his image. That's a remarkable statement. And that allows me to kind of have that awe response, like, wow, God. That's amazing. And so you value me enough to have created me and to have created me in his image. And so I will choose to value myself. And from that, I will love. So I think the word of God is huge. I think, um, again, I would ask us to ponder who are we listening to and what are we reading and what are we watching and are we being fed, you know, negative messages about gender and age and race and all the things. Is that part of it? Have we not forgiven people from our past? Are we living in the past? I think it's easy to not love ourselves when we get stuck on who we used to be and maybe decisions that we made that weren't God-glorifying and we regret, then we need to deal with that appropriately, even with professional help or friend help if we need to. You know, I teach and start with the heart and in Five to Thrive, just a little five point sequence. We have to grieve what isn't and accept what is. So we don't love ourselves. You know, when I'm struggling with an appropriate self love, not an, you know, egotistical, I'm the most amazing person ever, but just a passion that I have for myself and gratitude that I feel toward God for making me me now. I look inside, okay, is there something I need to grieve and something I need to accept? And then do I embrace the truth and reject the lies? So some of you who are listening are maybe still living a lie from the old days, but the only way to reject the lie is to embrace the truth. So the truth erases the lie. So ask God to show you what is a lie and what is true. And then you work on what you can. And that would include prayer and study of scripture, possibly professional counseling, or just being honest with a spouse or a friend and being authentically vulnerable so that they can serve you well in a time of need. And then from that, you hopefully come into a reality that because you grieve and you accept, all will be well.

  Wayne Stender: As Dr. Kathy was talking today, it reminded me of a passage out of Ephesians chapter 6, and I'm going to begin reading at verse 10. Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. You know, I think so much of what Dr. Kathy talked about today is really a battle that we kind of look at as kind of a physical battle, partly because that's the way that our culture understands it. It's a battle that we see with our eyes. We see the results of it tangibly, and we kind of sense and feel the mood. But we don't address it from a spiritual standpoint. And I love what Dr. Cathy closed us out today, directing us back to Scripture to point us to this place that we build our strength, our identity, our understanding of knowledge and truth and what's actually real in the world. on what God says, and looking to Him as the Creator of all things, and really the Redeemer and Restorer of everything that's broken. I think teaching our kids to do that can build some resiliency inside of them that'll help them last and stand against dark times. I want to thank you for listening to the Celebrate Kids podcast. In this, our daily segment, Face in the Dark, We have so many things that are going on here at Celebrate Kids. We're offering new online courses. We want to invite you to come to those and attend them. We've got a new Q&A session coming up next week. We also have some great books and resources. If you're looking for any resources to get your kids into Scripture, as Dr. Kathy talked about today, you should check out the Picture Smart Bible. It's a Bible that's kind of a coloring book and actually gives you, as a parent, prompts to help your kids get a better sense of what Scripture actually teaches and how it can really give them a light for dark times. I want to thank you for listening to the Celebrate Kids podcast and this, our daily segment, Face in the Dark. On behalf of Dr. Kathy Cooke, my name is Wayne Stender, and I'm looking forward to seeing you here again tomorrow.