Why Identity Matters More Than Just “Good Behavior”
As parents, it’s easy to focus on behavior. It feels tangible. “Say thank you.” “Stop hitting your sister.” “No, you can’t climb on the table, this is not a jungle gym.” We’re shaping their actions all day long.
But what if we zoomed out and saw behavior as a reflection of something deeper? What if our goal wasn’t just raising polite kids but secure kids—kids who know they are deeply loved and uniquely designed?
Dr. Kathy Koch talks about this a lot. When kids are secure in their identity, they’re actually more likely to be well-behaved—not because they’re afraid of punishment, but because they have inner confidence and a strong moral compass.
But What Does That Look Like?
It means listening when they share their wildest ideas.
It means celebrating their quirks instead of trying to “fix” them.
It means setting healthy boundaries without making them feel like they have to be someone else to be accepted.
Some kids will test boundaries more than others (you know if you have one). Some will naturally follow the rules but need reassurance that their quiet, steady nature is valuable, too. Some will process emotions outwardly; others will need space to figure things out internally.
That’s where knowing how your child learns and thinks comes in.
How Your Kid Thinks Shapes How They See Themselves
Ever notice how your child responds to life differently than their siblings? That’s because each child has a unique way of processing the world.
Some kids need structure. They thrive with clear expectations and feel most confident when they understand the rules. (Hello, list-makers and Lego-instruction-followers!)
Others need room to explore. They light up when given creative freedom, and too much structure makes them feel trapped. Have You ever met a kid who turns a math lesson into a musical number? That’s them.
Some kids need deep discussions. They want to understand why things happen and love thinking critically.
And some? They just feel their way through the world. They’re emotionally intuitive and pick up on things you didn’t even realize were there.
No one way is better than the others. They’re just different. And when you start seeing your child’s differences as strengths—not something to correct—you help them see it, too.
Three Simple Ways to Encourage Your Kids to Be Themselves
Validate their feelings, even when you don’t understand them.
“I see that you’re upset. Want to talk about it?”
“You’re really into dinosaurs right now—that’s awesome! Tell me your favorite fact.”
“I know change is hard for you, and I’m proud of how you’re handling this.”
Let them express themselves in ways that feel natural.
If they need to move to think—let them!
If they need quiet reflection, honor that.
If they’re super social, create opportunities for them to connect with others.
Encourage their uniqueness, even when it doesn’t match your personality.
Just because you love routine doesn’t mean they will.
Just because you are laid-back doesn’t mean they don’t need more structure.
Just because you loved sports doesn’t mean they have to—maybe their thing is art, robotics, or cooking.
Connecting With Your Child Through Their 8 Great Smarts
Dr. Kathy Koch teaches that kids express intelligence in eight different ways. When you know how your child is wired, you can connect with them in the way they understand best.
Word Smart – Talk through ideas together. Let them journal or tell stories.
Picture Smart – Draw, color, or build with them. Let them create something visual to express their thoughts.
Music Smart – Turn learning into a song. Play music while they work. Let them drum on the table if it helps them focus!
Body Smart – Let them move! Go on a walk while talking, act things out, or let them fidget with something while they process.
Nature Smart – Spend time outside together. Connect conversations to nature.
Logic Smart – Ask why questions. Give them puzzles, problem-solving games, or challenges.
People Smart – Let them process things through conversations. They learn best with others!
Self-Smart – Give them quiet time to think. Let them process before responding.
Remember: If you’ve ever worried, Am I doing this parenting thing right?—you’re not alone. But the fact that you’re reading this, thinking about how to help your child thrive, means you’re already an intentional, thoughtful parent.
You’re doing a great job. Your child doesn’t need perfect parents. They need you—fully present, learning, growing, and cheering them on every step of the way.
So take a deep breath, trust the process, and remind yourself that the best thing you can do is give your child is Jesus, and from that, the confidence to be exactly who God made them to be.
And that’s a beautiful thing.