Replace Lies with Truth Before Self-Harm Becomes A Child’s Leading Voice
“I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t matter.”
“No one really sees me.”
If you’ve heard your child whisper these words or sensed them behind their behavior, you’re not alone. And more importantly, there is hope.
Self-harm, especially among children and teens, is deeply connected to what they believe about themselves. Not just what they say, but what they really believe in the quiet places of their heart. Sometimes those beliefs are buried. Sometimes they show up in painful actions, like digital self-harm, when a child anonymously posts hurtful things about themselves online.
It sounds strange, even shocking. But it’s real. And we must take it seriously.
Let’s unpack the lies behind the behavior and talk about how to replace them with truth.
Where Self-Harm Starts
The behavior may initially grab our attention. Maybe it’s cutting. Maybe it’s secretive online activity. Maybe it’s words like “I hate myself” or “I wish I didn’t exist.”
But behind the action is almost always a belief.
A child may believe they are unlovable, even when everyone around them shows care.
They may believe they’re a failure, even after getting praise.
They may believe they’re alone, even when they’re not.
The mind can be powerful, and sometimes very wrong.
We must meet the belief before we correct the behavior.
What Kids Believe Shapes What They Do
Our beliefs guide our decisions. That’s true for adults, and it’s also true for kids.
If a child believes “I can never be good enough,” they may give up trying altogether. If they believe “No one would notice if I disappeared,” they may begin to test it by harming themselves.
Dr. Kathy reminds us that many of these false beliefs come from misunderstandings, unmet emotional needs, or words spoken by others. These lies are sticky, but not permanent.
That’s why talking about identity is so important. Identity is the foundation of all our choices. It answers questions like:
Who am I?
What am I worth?
Where do I belong?
If we don’t help our kids answer these questions with truth, the world will offer them lies. And those lies can lead to harm.
Help Kids Talk About What They Feel
Sometimes kids hurt themselves because they don’t know how else to express what’s inside.
That’s where you come in.
Give them vocabulary. Offer words when they’re stuck. For example:
“You seem frustrated. Are you feeling ignored or overwhelmed?”
“You mentioned you messed up. Do you feel ashamed, or just disappointed in yourself?”
Naming the feeling takes away some of its power. It brings light into the dark.
Let your home be a safe place where emotions aren’t judged but explored. Teach them how to feel things all the way through — grief, fear, regret — without rushing to distract or numb it away.
Use books, movies, and shared stories to help them see that emotions are human and manageable. One dad told me that his son finally opened up after watching a character in a show say, “I don’t think I matter.” It gave the boy permission to say, “Me too.”
Model It, Don’t Just Talk About It
This is tender territory. How you manage your own emotions matters.
If your child sees you dismiss your sadness or escape your stress through distraction, they’ll follow.
But if they see you sit with hard feelings and still find peace, they’ll know it’s possible.
Say things like:
“I had a rough day today. I felt rejected in a meeting. But I prayed, talked to a friend, and now I’m feeling more grounded.”
You don’t have to have it all together. You just have to be honest and available.
Try This Together
You can take steps this week to uncover beliefs and replace lies with truth:
Ask Thoughtful Questions
Instead of “Why did you do that?” try “What were you feeling right before that happened?” or “What were you hoping would happen?”Name the Lie and Replace It
If your child says, “I’m dumb,” you might say, “That’s a lie. You’re struggling with math right now, but that’s not who you are. You are smart in many ways, and you’re learning.”Use Affirming Notes or Reminders
Put sticky notes on mirrors, backpacks, or lunchboxes. Write phrases like “You matter to me,” “God made you amazing,” or “You’re strong, even on hard days.”
Engage Their 8 Great Smarts
Each smart gives us a new way to speak truth into our kids’ hearts:
Word Smart kids may need journaling prompts or affirmations to write down truth.
Logic Smart kids may respond to analyzing lies versus truth logically and seeing cause and effect.
Picture Smart kids can draw how they feel and visualize healing or hope.
Music Smart kids might express emotions through playlists or write songs with new beliefs.
Body Smart kids benefit from movement while talking. Try walking while having hard conversations.
Nature Smart kids may reflect more deeply when they’re outside or caring for animals.
People Smart kids often need dialogue. Don’t go it alone — invite safe mentors into the conversation.
Self Smart kids need alone time to think. Give them space, and follow up with love.
Each smart is a doorway to healing. Walk through the one that fits your child best.
Remember: Self-harm is never just about the behavior. It’s about the belief beneath it.
When we address the heart, we give our kids a path toward healing. We help them replace lies with truth. We help them see who they really are — loved, capable, resilient, and made in the image of God.
Let’s walk alongside them. Let’s speak truth louder than the lies.
And let’s remind them, again and again:
They are not alone. They are redeemed in Christ.
They are seen, known, and deeply loved.