Helping Kids In Confusion Without Losing Your Mind
Kids feel BIG things, and in today’s world, those feelings can be extra complicated. They’re growing up in a time when conversations about identity, faith, and reality itself are all happening at lightning speed with people who guide them to deconstruct literally everything. It’s no wonder they sometimes feel lost. And honestly? We, as parents, feel lost too. So how do we help them?
The good news is, we don’t have to have all the answers. But we do need to create a space where their feelings are acknowledged, their confusion is understood, and they know they’re not alone in figuring life out.
"I Hear You" is a Parenting Superpower
If your child expresses confusion about something, whether it’s a deep topic like identity or pronouns or a daily confusion about something in their life, the first step is simple: listen.
Not “listen while mentally composing a lecture.” Not “listen while folding laundry.” Just listen.
When kids feel heard, they’re more open to guidance, even if they act like they’re not. Instead of immediately fixing or correcting, try saying:
"That sounds really tough. Tell me more." Or, "I can see why you’d feel that way." Or "I love you, no matter what you're feeling right now."
This builds trust. Trust leads to real conversations. And real conversations lead to growth.
Empathy and Truth Aren’t Opposites
Some parents worry that if they validate their child’s feelings, they automatically endorse everything their child thinks. Not true!
Validation means acknowledging what your child is experiencing. It doesn’t mean agreeing with every conclusion they come to. You can say, “I hear you, and I know this is confusing,” while also guiding them with truth and wisdom. Think of it like walking beside them instead of dragging them down the path.
This balance looks different for every kid. Some need facts and data to help process their feelings. Others need reassurance and relational connection before they can even hear reason. And some just need to know they aren’t the only ones who feel this way. Learning how your child processes things can help you guide them better.
Small Moments, Big Impact
Want your kids to trust you with the big stuff? Start with the small stuff. If they know you care about their everyday emotions, they’ll be more likely to come to you when the big, scary questions hit.
Don’t wait for a life crisis to start meaningful conversations. Talk about why we feel things. Bring up moments from your life where you wrestled with emotions and learned through them. Be their safe space now so they know they have one later.
3 Simple Steps to Engage Your Kids on This Topic:
1. Acknowledge their feelings. Even if it seems minor to you, it’s significant to them.
2. Ask open-ended questions. Instead of, “Why are you upset?” try, “What’s been on your mind today?” It invites deeper conversation.
3. Speak truth with love. Encourage their thinking process without fear or shame. Let them wrestle with ideas while knowing you’re their anchor.
Connecting With Your Child Using the 8 Great Smarts
Dr. Kathy Koch’s 8 Great Smarts can help us tailor our conversations to fit our child's unique way of thinking and learning. Here are a few ways to engage based on their strengths:
Word Smart: Encourage them to journal their feelings or write a letter to process their emotions.
Logic Smart: Have a fact-based discussion about emotions—what they are, why we feel them, and how they help us.
Picture Smart: Let them draw or paint what they feel instead of just talking about it.
Music Smart: Listen to a song together and discuss how it makes them feel. Music is a powerful emotional outlet.
Body Smart: Take a walk or play a sport while talking—it’s easier for some kids to open up while moving.
Nature Smart: Go outside and talk about emotions using nature as a metaphor (seasons change, storms pass, etc.).
People Smart: Role-play a tough conversation they might need to have with someone or talk through an emotional experience they had with a friend.
Self Smart: Give them space and alone time to process. They may come back later when they’re ready to talk.
Remember: The best part of parenting isn’t knowing all the answers—it’s walking beside our kids as they discover them. When we validate their confusion and feelings, we’re not just helping them process emotions. We show them they are deeply known, unconditionally loved, and never alone. And that? That’s the kind of truth that sticks.