Politeness Matters Alongside Authenticity
Culture often praises bluntness as “authenticity.” But when brash words spill into cruelty and disrespect, something seen recently on Jimmy Kimmel Live after his comments tied to the Charlie Kirk assassination forced Disney to preempt the late-night show, we’re reminded that authenticity without boundaries isn’t virtue. It’s recklessness.
As Dr. Kathy put it:
A lack of integrity, a lack of authenticity is not going to endear children to us at all… I will go on record to say… there is a place to teach please and thank you and values and the way that you communicate when you’re frustrated
Authenticity must be tethered to character. Otherwise, we raise a generation that confuses rudeness with honesty.
It’s no secret: today’s culture elevates authenticity as one of the highest values. “Just be yourself” is the anthem of a generation. And while authenticity is important, it’s not the only value kids need to flourish. Politeness and manners still matter, and not just for making Grandma happy.
In a recent Celebrate Kids podcast, Wayne Stender brought up an article from Business Insider where the author argued that her kids don’t need to say “please” or “thank you” to belong, they just need to be their “truest selves.” Wayne explained,
There is a cultural movement that says that authenticity is way more important than acting nice inside of culture. And I wanted to have you comment on this. What do you make of this movement?
Dr. Kathy responded quickly:
I will go on record to say that I think this woman is wrong. I think that there is a place to teach please and thank you and values and the way that you communicate when you’re frustrated… They will find their people, but it may not be the people mom and dad want them to find.
That’s the heart of it: authenticity without manners may connect your child to someone, but not necessarily to the people or values you hope will shape their future.
Why Manners Matter
Manners aren’t about being fake. They’re about honoring others. Dr. Kathy put it this way:
Becoming like Jesus, being an example of Christ-likeness, includes things like honoring other people, which is why I would say please and thank you.
Manners signal humility. They say: I see you. I value you. You matter.
Manners Shape Identity
Wayne asked whether manners influence kids’ identity. Dr. Kathy was clear:
It’s please and thank you as a part of kindness… as a part of generosity… it’s a part of belonging. Identity is formed in our relationship to belonging. Identity is formed on top of security. Who can I trust? Can I trust myself to be kind and gentle?… Every single person created is an image bearer of God Almighty. Do we treat them that way or not?
Politeness isn’t just surface-level. It’s part of how kids see themselves, and how others see them. A child who learns to say “thank you” grows into an adult who’s trusted, respected, and connected.
Authenticity + Politeness = True Belonging
The Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4 modeled this balance of politeness, belonging, and authenticity beautifully. Wayne explained how her extravagant hospitality toward Elisha created a sacred space for blessing. Her manners weren’t shallow, they were holy:
Manners and hospitality opened doors for spiritual encounters. When the Shunammite woman models the graciousness of God at work in her life, she expresses something extraordinary.
Authenticity without manners can be selfish. Manners without authenticity can be hollow. But together? They create the soil where trust and belonging grow.
Helping Kids Practice Both with the 8 Great Smarts
So how do parents help kids live this balance out? By leaning into their Smarts:
Word Smart – Practice saying “please” and “thank you” with a description. Pull out a dictionary or thesarus to elevate the words beyond “sharing” or “playing nice” to be more descriptive. Teach new words for common experiences and celebrate your kids word smarts in this way.
Logic Smart – Explain why manners matter: “When we thank the server, we show respect for their work.”
Picture Smart – Draw a comic of a “rude” superhero and a “polite” superhero. Which one makes people feel valued?
Music Smart – Make up a manners jingle: “Please and thank you every day, kindness goes a long, long way.”
Body Smart – Role-play greetings, handshakes, or helping someone carry groceries. Put manners into action.
Nature Smart – Notice how animals or ecosystems work together with balance. Tie it to how people thrive with respect.
People Smart – Talk about how others feel when they’re treated kindly versus ignored. Practice reading facial cues.
Self Smart – Reflect: “How do I feel when someone says thank you to me? How do I want others to see me?”
The Bottom Line
Authenticity is valuable, but not when it excuses rudeness. Manners and politeness don’t suppress authenticity; they enrich it. They help kids live their true selves in ways that honor God and value others.
As Dr. Kathy reminded us:
Manners put others first. We want to raise up children who respect others, who trust others, who want to love others well.
Authenticity shows the world who we are. Manners show the world how much others matter. Our kids need both.