What If Thanksgiving Didn’t Feel Like a Performance?
The table is set, the gravy is hot, and the kids are…hiding in the pantry. Again.
Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they’re just hungry. Or maybe, just maybe, Thanksgiving doesn’t feel like a warm and welcome tradition for them. Maybe it feels like pressure.
Many parents feel that too. The moment you pull into the driveway of a relative’s house, there's an invisible script you're hoping your kids will follow. Say hi to Grandma. Don’t fight with your cousin. Eat something green. Smile for the group photo. It can feel like a performance for both of us.
But what if we flipped the script?
What if, instead of striving to make Thanksgiving look like a curated magazine spread, we used it as a time to connect, not just to people, but to our kids through stories, yes, but also through rest and grace?
It may be helpful for us as parents to stop measuring holiday “success” by smiles and small talk and instead to measure it by how we’re preparing and equipping our kids on what to expect by affirming their strengths and giving them courage and confidence for the unpredictability of real relationships.
Let Go of the “Perfect” Holiday Script
Thanksgiving is often louder, busier, and more emotionally complex than a typical Thursday. Kids may be surrounded by unfamiliar faces, strange foods, new rhythms, and underlying adult tension. They're expected to know people they barely remember and enjoy dishes that would never be seen on our weekly dinner table.
Instead of reacting to what they don’t do well, what if we anticipated the challenge?
Preview what to expect. Who’s coming? What will the house feel like? What foods might be available?
Use photos to introduce unfamiliar relatives before the gathering, so your child sees a friendly face, not a stranger.
Normalize their feelings. Anxious? Overstimulated? Tired? Of course they are, it’s a full day of change and noise. Expecting instant comfort or delight may just set you both up for disappointment.
Give them the space to grow to love your people. Don’t assume they will just because you do.
Rehearse Belonging, Not Behavior
We often think we’re teaching manners, but what kids are learning is whether they belong, whether their voice, preferences, presence, and needs are heard in the midst of the chaos.
So talk about expectations early and often. Frame it with confidence: “We know you can do this. You’re kind and strong. And if you need a break, that’s okay too.”
Honor their small rituals: the roll they always eat first, the toy they need in their pocket, the cousin they want to sit by. Those comforts anchor them.
Also, remember that people our kids will meet, even relatives, may not be trustworthy in their eyes yet. Trust takes time. So give them time and teach them that time is appropriate and smart.
You’re not raising performers. You’re raising people.
Let Rest and Reality Be the Rhythm
Fatigue, hunger, and overstimulation are real. And they often wear masks: meltdowns, disinterest, clinginess. Let’s listen to those symptoms with compassion. A nap or a quiet corner might be more powerful than a perfectly executed “thank you.”
Bring favorite snacks. Embrace familiar routines. Don’t pressure them to be someone they’re not for the sake of family peace.
And for your older kids, especially college students returning home, expect some new rhythms. They’ve grown. So have you. The bed they left might now hold laundry piles. Laugh about it together and ease into the changes.
Trade “Show Off” for “Show Up”
There’s beauty in the old stories. In asking your grandfather how he learned to skip rocks. In learning to whistle through a blade of grass. In hearing about the time Grandma ran out of gas on her first date. These aren’t small moments, they’re bridges.
What if we approached family as people who hold wisdom and skills we don’t yet have
Help your kids lean in with curiosity, not comparison. Ask:
“What’s something you’re proud of this fall?”
“What do you want me to know about you?”
“Can you teach me something tomorrow?”
And let them hear stories of faith and doubt and slow belief, like Thomas, who needed to see to believe. Because faith, like family, often grows best when we’re allowed time, space, and safety to wrestle with it.
Engage the 8 Great Smarts This Thanksgiving
To help your child navigate Thanksgiving with confidence and connection, try engaging their smarts:
Word Smart – Invite them to help write the name cards or come up with questions to ask grandparents.
Logic Smart – Let them help with planning the schedule or measuring ingredients for a recipe.
Picture Smart – Have them draw a picture of the family dinner or make a “guest map” showing where everyone is sitting.
Music Smart – Let them create a holiday playlist or perform a short song or poem for the group.
Body Smart – Give them active roles like passing out napkins, setting the table, or leading a game outside.
Nature Smart – Take a walk after the meal and let them collect leaves or point out wildlife as you reflect together.
People Smart – Coach them in how to introduce themselves or ask an elder to share a story from childhood.
Self Smart – Let them journal or draw about their Thanksgiving experience afterward and talk about what felt meaningful.
You’re the expert on your child. This Thanksgiving, help them bring their whole selves to the table. And celebrate them, just as the way God created them.