Don’t Let Their Mirror Be a Screen: Why Confidence Needs Real Relationship
It started with a comment from your child that stopped you cold.
“I feel more like me online than in real life.”
Cue the gut punch. Not because they’re misbehaving or rebellious, but because they’re telling the truth—their truth. And in that moment, you realize something: our kids are trying to figure out who they are, but they’re often doing it without us.
In a culture that shouts, “Define yourself! Find your label! Choose your identity!”—what gets lost is the quiet, steady, foundational truth that confidence grows best in the context of relationship.
Not just any relationship—relationship with you.
And with God.
Confidence Isn’t a Solo Project
Confidence isn’t something you conjure up by staring in a mirror and saying affirmations. It’s built through relationship. It's formed as children are seen, known, named, and celebrated by the people who love them most.
In a recent episode of Raising Gender Confident Kids, Dr. Kathy Koch explained it this way: “Confidence stems from understanding identity.” But here’s the catch—identity doesn’t develop in a vacuum. It forms in families, friendships, and faithful communities where kids can say, “I am loved. I am known. I belong.”
When we discount relationships—when we hand our kids a phone instead of our attention, or when we let culture define them more than we do—we also undercut their confidence.
The Power of Being Known
Kids today are bombarded with messaging: “You are what you feel. You are what you do. You are what you look like. You are what others say you are.”
But the voice of a loving parent cuts through that noise. You remind them: “You are who God made you to be. You are His.”
Dr. Kathy shared in the podcast that “identity influences behavior.” That means the way your child sees themselves will directly impact how they act, what they try, and what they believe is possible.
When you speak life into your child’s design—not just their gender, but their strengths, creativity, quirks, and questions—you become the mirror that reflects God’s truth about who they are.
Let’s Not Outsource Confidence
Here’s the danger: when kids aren’t rooted in secure, identity-forming relationships, they outsource confidence. They chase likes. They copy trends. They trust screens more than souls.
But real confidence doesn’t come from being noticed.
It comes from being known.
Let’s be parents who listen longer. Who ask better questions. Who remind our kids not only who they are—but whose they are.
3 Ways to Build Confidence through Relationship
Speak Identity Every Day
Find something unique to affirm about your child each day: “You are creative,” “You’re a peacemaker,” “God made you curious for a reason.”Talk About Where Confidence Comes From
Share stories from your own life—moments where God reminded you who you are. Be vulnerable. Show them it’s okay to forget—and powerful to remember.Model Rest in God's Design
Say out loud what you trust about God’s work in you and your kids: “God made you with purpose. I see it every time you…”
Use the 8 Great Smarts to Reinforce Identity and Confidence
Here’s how to connect with your child using the smarts God’s given them:
Word Smart – Write identity statements together: “I am kind,” “I am brave,” “I am God’s child.”
Logic Smart – Explore how their choices reflect who they believe they are—and guide them to see their patterns.
Picture Smart – Have them draw their “God-created self.” What symbols or scenes show who they are?
Music Smart – Create a playlist that reflects their identity and God’s truth. Sing confidence into their hearts.
Body Smart – Use role-play to act out hard moments—then affirm their choices and character.
Nature Smart – Go on a walk and talk about how God designs everything with purpose—including them.
People Smart – Encourage conversations about how others see them and how that affects their self-perception.
Self Smart – Give them space to journal and reflect: “Who am I becoming? What do I know is true about me?”
Remember:
Don’t let culture shout louder than you.
Don’t let a screen reflect your child’s identity better than your voice does.
Confidence comes from identity—and identity forms in the security of relationship.
So stay in the room. Stay in the conversation.
And most of all, stay rooted in the truth:
Your child is already known and loved by the One who made them.
You get to echo that truth every single day.