Steps to REALLY Knowing Your Kid
Being a parent in this digital age sometimes feels like we’re always competing with social media, YouTube, and AI for our own child’s attention. You used to be their whole world, and now? It’s like an algorithm is shaping their personality. But here’s the good news: no app, no trend, no AI knows your child like you can. The trick? Knowing them in all dimensions—not just what they like but who they are at their core.
Dr. Kathy Koch talks a lot about this, and she makes a solid point: Kids need to be known—fully, deeply, holistically. And as their parent, you are uniquely designed for that role. But how do you do it? How do you really know your child beyond their latest obsession?
Knowing Your Child in Every Dimension
Knowing your kid isn’t about memorizing their favorite things, though that’s a nice touch. It’s about tuning in to the deeper layers of their personality, their needs, and how they process the world. Dr. Kathy lays this out beautifully in five dimensions:
Spiritual Self: What do they believe? How do they process faith, morality, and purpose?
Physical Self: How do they interact with their bodies? Are they active, sensory-seeking, or more reserved?
Emotional Self: What triggers their biggest feelings? How do they handle stress, joy, and disappointment?
Social Self: Who do they connect with? Are they outgoing, cautious, or somewhere in between?
Intellectual Self: How do they learn best? What sparks their curiosity?
When you engage all these dimensions, you give your child the ultimate gift: a parent who sees, hears, and understands them.
Parenting to Your Strengths and Theirs
Here’s where it gets even more interesting. The way you naturally connect with your child will be shaped by how you process and engage the world. Some of you love structure, some love big-picture ideas, some are detail-driven, and some thrive on hands-on experiences.
If you thrive on logic and structure, you might feel most comfortable setting routines and expectations. That’s great! Just remember to leave room for open-ended conversations where your child can process things freely.
If you’re more of a big-picture dreamer, you’ll love having deep talks with your child about their future, their beliefs, and their place in the world. Just don’t forget to notice the small, everyday ways they reveal themselves to you.
If you’re hands-on and love action, you’ll probably enjoy doing things together—projects, games, and activities. That’s fantastic! Just make sure you also slow down to listen and reflect.
If you’re detail-driven and love diving into specifics, you’ll be great at noticing their little quirks and preferences. Just be mindful to also help them see the bigger story of who they’re becoming.
Every parent has a different way of connecting—and that’s a good thing. The key is to recognize your own style and use it to engage with all parts of who your child is.
Three Simple Ways to Know Your Child Better This Week
Alright, let’s get practical. How can you start deepening your knowledge of your child in a meaningful way? Here are three simple but powerful steps:
Ask Better Questions – Instead of “How was your day?” try “What was the best part of your day?” or “When did you feel most like yourself today?”
Watch for Patterns – Notice what lights them up, what drains them, and how they naturally approach challenges.
Spend Time in Their World – Sit with them while they play a game, listen to their music, or let them teach you something they love.
Engaging Through the 8 Great Smarts
Dr. Kathy Koch teaches about the 8 Great Smarts, which show how kids uniquely express themselves. Here’s how you can connect based on their natural strengths:
Word Smart – Talk! Ask open-ended questions, let them journal, or make up stories together.
Logic Smart – Debate ideas, do puzzles, or ask “What do you think would happen if…?”
Picture Smart – Draw together, use visual storytelling, or explore new places.
Music Smart – Listen to songs, create playlists, or make up a family theme song.
Body Smart – Go on a walk, play a sport, or let them fidget while talking.
Nature Smart – Take them outside, garden together, or observe patterns in nature.
People Smart – Help them reflect on friendships, role-play social situations, or just chat over a meal.
Self-smart – Give them space to process, write, and reflect quietly.
Remember: Even if your kid is in that phase where they roll their eyes at you, they still want to be known. They crave it. And no AI, no algorithm, no influencer will ever replace the deep, knowing love of a parent who sees all of them.
So, step in. Get curious. Engage in ways that match your strengths. And watch your relationship transform.
Because at the end of the day, the best gift we can give our kids is this: the security of being truly known and deeply loved.