Don’t Rearrange the World Around Their Anxiety
I remember looking at one of my kids before a family activity and immediately realizing they were anxious. I could see it on their face and in how they carried themselves, and my dad instincts kicked in quickly. I told myself I was being compassionate and attentive to what my child needed in that moment. So I changed the whole day. We did not do the thing that was making them nervous, and everybody moved on with less tension. But later, sitting in the car, another question hit me: did I just teach my child that anxiety gets to make the decision?
That question sat at the center of a recent Celebrate Kids Podcast conversation about what researchers call family accommodation. Family accommodation happens when parents change routines, remove expectations, avoid situations, or otherwise reorganize life to reduce a child's immediate anxiety. Often the motive is love, not weakness or laziness. We see our child suffering and want to make the suffering stop. But the research discussed in the episode suggests that repeated accommodation can reinforce avoidance and deprive kids of opportunities to learn that feared outcomes may not happen, or that even when something difficult does happen, they can cope.
Compassion and Accommodation Are Not the Same Thing
This distinction matters because parents should absolutely be compassionate toward anxious kids. Anxiety is real, and some children genuinely experience situations as more threatening or overwhelming than others do. We do not help by mocking fear or demanding that a child simply “get over it.” But compassion does not require us to remove every uncomfortable situation. Sometimes compassion sounds like, “I know this is hard, and I am going to stay with you while you do it.”
The danger comes when anxiety starts determining family decisions over and over again. If every feared event disappears, the child never receives corrective evidence. They never discover, “That wasn't as bad as I imagined,” or, “It was hard, but I handled it.” Instead, the lesson can quietly become, “Mom changed the plan because I couldn't handle it.” Over time, that can shape identity in a painful direction.
What We Protect Kids From Can Become What They Fear
Dr. Kathy made a powerful observation in the podcast: if accommodation becomes a pattern, children may begin defining themselves as weak or fragile. They may start approaching new opportunities with “I can't,” or “That will be too much” before they have even investigated what the situation requires. Risk begins to feel inherently dangerous rather than simply uncertain. And when they eventually encounter stress they can't remove, a difficult professor, an uncomfortable job interview, a painful relationship, financial pressure, illness, or loss, they may have fewer internal experiences reminding them they can endure difficulty.
This is one reason resilience cannot be taught only through explanation. We can tell a child, “You are strong,” but eventually they need experiences where strength becomes visible. They need to try something uncertain, struggle, recover, and realize, “I did that.” Confidence often grows backward from evidence. Children begin to believe they are capable because they remember acting capably in situations that initially felt uncomfortable.
Challenge Is One of the Places Kids Grow Up
Scripture assumes that difficulty can form people. Romans 5 connects suffering with endurance and hope. James 1 tells believers that trials can produce steadfastness and maturity. Neither passage tells us to manufacture suffering for children or deny genuine harm. But both challenge the idea that a good life is one without discomfort.
Muscles strengthen because they encounter resistance. Emotional and relational resilience often develop similarly. A child waits when they would rather have something immediately. They stay in the game after losing. They go to the event even though they feel nervous. They have a difficult conversation instead of avoiding it. With appropriate support, those ordinary experiences slowly teach a child that discomfort is not an emergency.
Parents Have to Examine Their Own Anxiety Too
Dr. Kathy raised another layer that may be even more uncomfortable: sometimes we protect our kids because we cannot tolerate watching them struggle. Their disappointment activates something in us. We worry that another parent will judge us, that our child will fail publicly, or that their struggle will somehow prove we have failed at parenting.
She told the story of a boy whose father would not allow him to try out for a team because Dad assumed he would not make it. The father may have believed he was protecting his son from embarrassment, but he also removed the chance to discover what might happen if the boy actually tried. Sometimes we have to ask whether we are protecting the child or protecting ourselves from the discomfort of seeing the child struggle. Our kids are not given to us to perform for us. And their failures do not automatically mean we failed as parents.
Know the Child Before You Push
None of this means every child should be pushed into every difficult situation. Dr. Kathy returned to an important Celebrate Kids principle: don't parent the herd; parent the individual. A body smart child who has demonstrated coordination and physical confidence may be ready for a challenging athletic experience that would overwhelm another child who has repeatedly struggled physically. The second child may need to build confidence in the backyard with Dad before trying something publicly.
The same applies socially and emotionally. One child needs encouragement to take a larger risk. Another needs a smaller first step. The goal is not maximum discomfort. The goal is appropriate challenge, enough difficulty to produce growth without overwhelming the child beyond what they can reasonably manage.
Give Choices Inside the Challenge
One practical way to do this is to give children choices while still preserving the expectation of growth. Instead of asking whether they want to do anything difficult this weekend, offer two manageable challenges: “Would you rather try this or that?” Choice gives children some ownership while still communicating that growth is expected.
Sometimes the safest person to challenge them will not be Mom or Dad either. A child's relationship with a parent may feel so precious that failure in front of them carries extra emotional weight. A grandparent, older sibling, coach, aunt, uncle, teacher, or trusted mentor may be able to invite them into a challenge in a different way. Healthy community gives children multiple people with whom they can practice becoming brave.
Tell Them About the Things You Regret Avoiding
Parents also have something valuable to offer through our own stories. Most adults can remember an opportunity we did not take because fear won. Maybe we did not try out for the team, audition for the play, volunteer, apply, introduce ourselves, or say yes when we had the chance. Years later, we still remember, not because the missed opportunity ruined our life, but because it taught us something about what avoidance costs.
Those stories can be useful when they are shared humbly. “I remember being scared to do something like this too, and I said no. I still wonder what I might have learned if I had tried.” The point is not to pressure the child with our regrets. It is to show them that courage and fear have always lived near each other.
If You’ve Been Accommodating, Start With Honesty
Some parents may hear this conversation and immediately realize, “We have been rearranging our family around our child's anxiety.” That realization does not require panic. Dr. Kathy offered important grace in the podcast: you may not have been wrong. Maybe you pushed your child recently, and it truly went poorly. Maybe they genuinely needed a season of safety, recovery, observation, and conversation.
So start by examining what is happening. Why am I changing this plan? Is my child truly not ready, or am I afraid of what will happen if they struggle? Am I responding to wisdom or to my own anxiety? Is there a smaller challenge we could try first? We can change course slowly and wisely without swinging from overprotection into harshness.
Talk More About What You Want Than What You Fear
I especially loved one of Dr. Kathy's suggestions: focus less on the negative state you are trying to eliminate and more on the positive quality you want to build. If the child is anxious, we want peace. If they are despairing, we want hope.
That shifts the tone of parenting. Instead of repeatedly asking, “Are you still anxious?” we can begin talking about peace. Instead of saying, “You always struggle with this,” we say, “I saw you stay in that situation five minutes longer than last time.” The destination starts shaping the language of the journey.
We Are Not Trying to Raise Comfortable Adults
Ultimately, the goal of parenting cannot be maximum comfort. Adult life will eventually bring bills to pay instead of pizza ordered, work to finish when motivation disappears, relationships that need repair, and grief that cannot be avoided. If childhood teaches that discomfort should always result in escape, adulthood will feel especially cruel.
We want children who know that discomfort can be unpleasant without being destructive. They can wait. They can lose. They can hear no. They can try and fail. They can become embarrassed and recover. They can feel anxiety and still move toward something good. Those are not minor skills. They are part of becoming resilient adults.
David Found Strength Before He Moved
First Samuel 30 gives us a powerful picture of what this can look like spiritually. David and his men return to Ziklag and find the city burned and their families taken captive. Scripture says they weep until they have no strength left to weep. Then the situation gets worse: David's own men begin talking about stoning him.
David is distressed. He is not emotionally untouched by what has happened. But then Scripture gives us a remarkable sentence: David strengthened himself in the Lord his God. Only after that does he seek direction and move forward.
Pain Does Not Have to Make the Decision
That is the connection I keep coming back to for anxious kids. David's pain was real, but pain did not get to determine his next move. Fear and grief were present, but they were not granted ultimate authority. He grounded himself in God, sought wisdom, and then acted.
Parents can help children learn that rhythm. “I know you're anxious.” “I believe you.” “This feels hard.” “And God is still good.” “We are going to take the next step together.” That is very different from either dismissing anxiety or surrendering to it.
Help Them Discover That God Is Bigger Than This
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stop rearranging the whole world around a child's fear and instead help them discover that they can walk through the fear with God. Maybe the family still goes on the outing. Maybe Mom stays close for the first thirty minutes. Maybe Dad helps rehearse what the child will say. Maybe we make the challenge smaller without making it disappear.
The goal isn't to prove how tough our kids are. The goal is helping them experience something deeper: “I was afraid, and I was not alone.” “I thought I couldn't do it, but I did.” “This was uncomfortable, but it didn't destroy me.” “God was trustworthy here too.” Those experiences become the raw material of resilience.
Engaging Resilience Through the 8 Great Smarts
Word Smart: Let them name what they are afraid of, then help them create language for the next step: “I feel nervous, and I can still try.”
Logic Smart: Walk through feared outcomes. Ask, “What do you think will happen?” “How likely is that?” and “What could you do if it did?”
Picture Smart: Help them visualize themselves moving through the difficult situation successfully, including what recovery would look like if something went wrong.
Music Smart: Use music to prepare, calm, or energize before a challenging situation, and connect courage with songs or rhythms that help them feel grounded.
Body Smart: Let resilience grow through physical challenges—learning a new skill, trying again after falling, practicing, climbing, building, or working toward greater coordination.
Nature Smart: Use outdoor challenges such as hiking, camping, gardening, weather, or exploration to teach that discomfort and unpredictability can be managed.
People Smart: Let trusted people encourage them, practice with them, and occasionally be the person who introduces the challenge when Mom or Dad feels too emotionally close to it.
Self Smart: Give reflective kids time afterward to process: “What did you learn about yourself?” “What was harder than expected?” and “What did you handle better than you thought?”
Remember: However your child is smart, remember this: our job is not to make sure they never feel anxious. It is to help them discover that anxiety does not have to control the next decision, and that God is faithful in the places where courage grows.