Before They Obey You, Do They Believe You Like Them?
There are moments as a parent when I would really prefer the system to be simple. I give the instruction, the child follows it, everybody moves on, and somewhere an imaginary parenting scoreboard adds a point next to my name. “Put your shoes away.” Done. “Come to dinner.” Done. “Stop arguing with your brother.” Done. The problem is that children are people, which means obedience is rarely just about whether the instruction was clear.
That tension was at the center of a recent Celebrate Kids Podcast conversation about research on teenagers and authenticity. The study discussed in the episode suggested that teens respond to parental guidance partly based on whether they believe the parent actually lives the values being communicated. When parents appeared consistent and authentic, teens were more likely to receive warnings as caring guidance; when parents seemed hypocritical or controlling, they were more likely to defy them. Authentic parenting alone did not automatically eliminate risky behavior, and that understanding the teenager's perspective still mattered.
Kids Watch the Life Behind the Rule
This is difficult news for parents because most of us would occasionally prefer “do what I say” to be enough. We want kids to speak respectfully while our own tone gets sharp. We want them to put devices away while ours is sitting next to the plate. The problem is not that parents must achieve perfection before exercising authority; if that were the standard, nobody would be allowed to parent.
The real issue is credibility. Do our kids see that the values we talk about also matter to us? When we violate our own standard, do we acknowledge it? A parent who says, “I should not have spoken to you that way, and I am sorry,” does not weaken authority. That apology may actually strengthen it because it shows that the standard is real enough to apply to the adult too.
Look Back Before You Move Forward
Dr. Kathy suggested that parents may benefit from reflecting on how they themselves were parented. Some of us remember a father's tone that made obedience feel threatening. Others remember a mother who played or made us feel valued, and because the relationship was strong, it was easier to respond when she asked something difficult. We can learn from both positive and negative examples without being trapped by either one.
Christians especially should remember that family patterns are not destiny. We are not required to recreate every dynamic we inherited. If our childhood taught us that authority means intimidation, we can learn a different kind of authority. If it taught us to avoid correction entirely, we can grow there too.
Know What You Are Actually Trying to Form
Sometimes we create rules without thinking deeply about the values underneath them. We want our kids to be curious, but then become frustrated when curiosity slows them down on the way to dinner. We say we value exploration, yet become annoyed when a child touches, questions, investigates, and interrupts. We want independent thinkers, but sometimes feel most comfortable when they simply comply.
That does not mean curiosity excuses disobedience. It means parents should know what they are trying to form so we can distinguish between a character issue and a developmental expression of a strength. A child investigating something in the backyard may still need to come to dinner when called, but understanding why leaving is difficult can change how we communicate. The goal is not merely to control the moment; it is to teach children how to steward good capacities within appropriate boundaries.
Some Standards Change With the Setting
Children also need to learn that not every behavioral expectation applies the same way in every place. We want certain character qualities twenty four hours a day: kindness, honesty, patience, generosity, respect. But other behaviors are contextual. What is acceptable at home may not be appropriate in church, at Grandma's house, in a classroom, or during a formal event.
Teaching that distinction is part of discernment. “At home, we let you climb on this furniture; at Grandma's house, we do not because her things are fragile.” “You may use a louder voice outside than in church.” These are not contradictions. They teach children how purpose, people, setting, and responsibility shape behavior.
Misbehavior Can Come Out of Strengths
One of Dr. Kathy's recurring ideas is that children often sin or misbehave through the very strengths God has given them. A word smart child may use words to exaggerate, manipulate, gossip, or wound. A logic smart child may create a problem simply to see how everyone responds. A body smart child may act physically before slowing down enough to consider consequences. Our response should not be to crush the strength.
The talkative child does not need to become silent. The logical child does not need to stop asking questions. The active child does not need to believe movement itself is bad. They need to learn stewardship: how to use the gift in ways that honor God and serve people, not harm them.
Identity Controls Behavior
This is where identity becomes central. Dr. Kathy reminded us of a principle we say often at Celebrate Kids: identity controls behavior. If a child comes to believe, “I am the bad kid,” or “I am just the one who always pushes the line,” those identities can eventually become permission structures.
The Gospel offers something better. A child who belongs to Christ should not be continually named by sin as though sin is the deepest truth about them. Christians still sin, sometimes seriously, but the New Testament repeatedly speaks to believers as people who belong to Christ and are being transformed. Parents can correct wrong behavior while still speaking from that larger identity: “That choice was dishonest, and honesty matters because you belong to Jesus and He is forming you into someone trustworthy.”
The Holy Spirit Matters in Parenting
For Christian parents, obedience is not merely external behavior. If a child follows Christ, the Holy Spirit is at work in them, and that should affect how we parent. We can teach children to slow down enough to recognize conviction, to ask whether a choice is loving, truthful, wise, and obedient to God. Depending on age, we can talk about that “inside nudge” that says something is not right.
This does not eliminate parental authority. Kids still need rules, consequences, instruction, and supervision. But the long term goal is not a child who behaves only because Mom is watching. We want a person who increasingly responds to God's authority even when no parent is in the room.
Check Whether the Rule Still Fits
Dr. Kathy also raised an important question: are our policies still appropriate? Parents sometimes keep enforcing a standard simply because it has always been the standard. Bedtime is eight because bedtime has always been eight, even though the child is older and repeatedly communicating that the rule no longer fits.
Children will not always articulate developmental change elegantly. They may complain or resist. A wise parent listens beneath the behavior and asks whether the expectation needs adjustment or whether the child simply needs greater self control. Humility means being willing to change a policy without believing you've lost authority.
Joy, Gratitude, and Capability Matter
Dr. Kathy connected obedience with three qualities she develops in Parent Differently: joy, gratitude, and self efficacy. Self efficacy means believing, “I can do what I am being asked to do.” A child who knows how to empty the dishwasher, is growing in gratitude, and genuinely experiences joy is more likely to help when asked, even when the task was originally assigned to a sibling.
Again, this is not a guaranteed formula. Children remain children, and even joyful, capable kids sometimes say no. But formation changes the soil in which commands land. A child who experiences family life primarily as burden and demand will hear “help your sister” differently from a child who has practiced gratitude and relational care.
Then Dr. Kathy Said Something That Stopped Me
She said that children may need to believe we like them if we want them to obey us well. Not merely love them, like them. That distinction matters because children sometimes tell Dr. Kathy, “I know my parents love me. They have to love me. I wish they liked me.” That is a heartbreaking sentence.
Kids notice whether we enjoy them. They notice whether our face changes when they enter the room. They know whether we mostly approach them because something needs correcting. They feel the difference between being managed and being wanted.
Initiation Communicates Delight
When Dr. Kathy asks kids how they know a parent likes them, one of the most common answers is that the parent initiates time together. Dad closes the laptop. Mom puts the phone away. Nobody has to beg for attention. “Want to walk with me?” “Want to play a game?” Those small invitations communicate what commands cannot: I enjoy being with you; I don’t need you to do anything.
That relational investment matters when correction comes later. The same dad who says, “Let's shoot around,” is also the dad who may eventually say, “The way you spoke to your sister was not okay.” Because the relationship contains delight as well as correction, the child has more reason to hear the second statement as love rather than simple control.
Obedience Is Not the Same as Control
This is why the goal cannot simply be well behaved children. We can sometimes achieve outward compliance through fear, embarrassment, manipulation, or overwhelming control. But behavior produced through relational insecurity is not the same as character.
Biblical obedience involves the heart. We want children who eventually choose honesty because they value truth, generosity because they value people, and obedience because they trust God. Parents cannot manufacture that inward transformation. We can cultivate the conditions, teach, model, correct, apologize, encourage, and pray while trusting God with the heart.
The Father Let the Son Walk Away
Luke 15 gives us one of Scripture's most powerful pictures of authority and relationship. In Jesus' parable, the younger son demands his inheritance early, a request that would have been deeply dishonoring. The father gives him the inheritance and lets him go. He does not manipulate or force the son into outward compliance.
The son goes. And the consequences are real. He squanders what he has, experiences famine, and eventually reaches the end of himself. Then Jesus says something important: he came to his senses. The father could not manufacture that moment.
The Relationship Made Return Possible
When the son returns, he expects demotion. He has rehearsed the speech: “I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father runs to him, embraces him, restores him, and celebrates his return.
The father's strength was not that he successfully prevented every wrong choice. His strength was that the relationship remained a place the son knew he could return to. There is something profound there for parents of children of every age. We cannot control every choice our children will eventually make. At some point, obedience has to become their own. What we can build is a relationship where truth has been spoken, values have been modeled, grace has been practiced, correction has been real, and return remains possible.
Live What You Teach and Enjoy Who They Are
Maybe the simplest parenting challenge from all of this is also one of the hardest: become the kind of person whose guidance is believable. Live the values you expect. Apologize when you fail. Reevaluate rules when children grow. Correct strengths without crushing them. Teach them who they are in Christ.
And enjoy them. Not just when they perform well. Not only when the room is clean, or the grades are good, or they remembered the shoes. Let them catch you delighting in who they are. Because sometimes obedience begins long before you give the instruction. It begins when a child looks at Mom or Dad and knows, You know me. You live what you teach. You want what is good for me. And you actually like having me here.
Engaging Obedience Through the 8 Great Smarts
Word Smart: Explain expectations clearly and let them ask questions. Use precise character words such as honest, respectful, patient, and generous rather than only saying “be good.”
Logic Smart: Explain the purpose behind rules when appropriate. Let them understand cause and effect while still teaching that not every instruction requires a debate.
Picture Smart: Use visual routines, reminders, charts, or examples of what “ready for church” or “clean room” actually looks like.
Music Smart: Use rhythm, songs, or familiar musical cues for routines and transitions, especially with younger children.
Body Smart: Give active children appropriate movement before expecting long stretches of stillness, and teach them what physical self-control looks like in different settings.
Nature Smart: Give curious children appropriate opportunities to explore creation while also teaching when exploration needs to pause for family responsibilities.
People Smart: Build relationship before relying only on correction. Initiate time together, model respect, and let children experience that authority and affection belong together.
Self Smart: Give reflective children time to process correction and ask them to consider what was happening internally when they made the choice they made.
Remember: However your child is smart, remember this: obedience grows best where children see integrity, experience relationship, understand their identity, and know that the people correcting them genuinely delight in who they are.