Helping Kids Build Strong Friendship Muscles
Friendship is one of the greatest joys of life… until it’s not.
As parents, nothing tugs at our hearts quite like seeing our kids struggle with friendships—whether they feel left out, navigate tricky social dynamics, or pick friends who aren’t great influences. It’s tough. And while we can’t make friends for them, we can equip them with the skills to build strong, healthy friendships that last.
Just like physical muscles need stretching and strengthening, friendship muscles require intentional growth. Let’s dive into how we can help our kids develop the confidence, discernment, and resilience they need for meaningful friendships.
Know Who You Are (So You Can Find the Right Friends)
Ever notice that people naturally gravitate toward those they have things in common with? Friendship starts with shared experiences, common language, and mutual interests. If your child doesn’t know who they are, they’ll struggle to find the right friends—and may end up trying to become someone they’re not, just to fit in.
So, start by helping your child understand their identity:
What are they good at?
What makes them light up?
What kind of people make them feel at ease?
When kids have confidence in who they are, they’re better equipped to choose friends who reinforce their strengths rather than challenge their values.
For the big-picture, concept-loving parents, this means having deep talks about identity and purpose. Practical, action-driven parents should try guiding their children by helping them create a list of their interests, talents, and the character traits they value in others.
Teach the Art of Discernment (a.k.a. Friend Filters)
Not every friendship is a good one. Some people build us up, while others drain us. One of the best skills we can give our kids is the ability to evaluate their friendships.
Encourage them to ask:
✔ Does this friend bring out the best in me?
✔ Do I feel like I can be myself around them?
✔ Are they kind and respectful to others?
✔ Do they encourage me to make good choices?
If the answer to these questions is mostly no, it might be time for a change.
Strengthen the Muscles of Kindness and Communication
Strong friendships don’t just happen—they’re built with intentional effort. Kids need to learn how to be a good friend before they expect to have good friends.
Teach your child how to:
Show empathy (“How would I feel in their shoes?”)
Apologize sincerely (“I’m sorry for [insert a specific action]. I will do better.”)
Set boundaries (“I don’t like it when you do that. Please stop.”)
Handle disagreements (“Can we talk about this and figure it out together?”)
Some kids naturally pick up on social cues, while others need explicit coaching. That’s okay! If your child struggles with friendship dynamics, role-play different scenarios at home. Help them practice kind words, eye contact, and tone of voice.
Show Them How to Navigate the Hard Stuff
Even the best friendships have bumps—misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and changes over time. One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the confidence to navigate these moments without shutting down or lashing out.
Some quick tools:
When feeling left out: “Let’s find a new way to connect with this friend—or make space for new ones.”
When facing peer pressure: “What do you want more—this friendship, or your values?”
When friendship changes: “It’s okay for friends to grow apart. Who else in your life makes you feel valued?”
Three Simple Steps to Help Your Kids Build Friendship Muscles
Help them know who they are so they can choose friends wisely.
Teach discernment—not every friendship is a good one!
Practice communication so they know how to build and maintain strong relationships.
Connecting Through Dr. Kathy Koch’s 8 Great Smarts
Since every child is wired differently, here are some ways to teach friendship skills based on how your child learns best:
Word Smart: Have them write letters to friends, learning how to express appreciation and apologies.
Logic Smart: Help them analyze friendships using a pro/con list.
Picture Smart: Draw out friendship dynamics, showing what healthy vs. unhealthy relationships look like.
Music Smart: Listen to and discuss songs about friendship—what messages do they send?
Body Smart: Act out scenarios where they practice handling social situations.
Nature Smart: Compare friendships to plants—some grow strong, some need pruning.
People Smart: Encourage group activities where they can naturally develop relationships.
Self Smart: Give them quiet time to reflect on how different friendships make them feel.
Remember: Friendship is a Skill—Not Just Luck!
We all want our kids to have great friends. But instead of just hoping they find the right ones, we can equip them with the muscles they need to build solid, healthy relationships.
So keep the conversations going. Keep modeling what good friendship looks like. Keep reminding them that their worth isn’t defined by how many friends they have—but by the kind of person they are.
And, if you’re feeling discouraged about your child’s friendships right now, take heart. Growth takes time. Friendship muscles don’t develop overnight, but with practice, encouragement, and a little patience, your child will get stronger. And so will you.