Favoritism and Your Child’s Self-Discovery: How to Foster Individual Worth for Each Kid
Ever notice how some kids just click with you more easily? Maybe your daughter shares your love for art, or your son laughs at all your silly jokes. It’s natural to feel an extra spark with certain personalities or interests. But when those sparks start turning into extra privileges or more lenient rules for one child, it can unintentionally send a message that one kid is more beloved than the others.
As we juggle careers, carpools, and the crusty cereal bowl, the thought that favoritism could sneak in without realizing it, and it might feel overwhelming. But lets take a breath. With a little reflection and some practical tips, we can ensure all our kids know just how valued they are, no matter who they take after—or how many times they forget to feed the goldfish.
Different Lenses, Different Connections
Each of us has a unique way of viewing the world, and that shapes how we connect with our children. Maybe you’re the type who loves a good to-do list and thrives with clear routines, so you naturally gravitate toward the child who follows directions easily. Or you’re the spontaneous sort who adores wild, creative moments and feels your heart sing when a child suggests building a giant blanket fort out of nowhere. Some parents may find themselves analyzing every parenting strategy like a chess match, while others rely on warmth and intuition, forging deep emotional bonds through late-night heart-to-hearts.
No matter your preferred style, staying aware of how you naturally bond—and what you might overlook—helps you bridge gaps with every child. The goal is to create a home where each kid knows they are seen, heard, and loved just as they are.
Why Favoritism Matters for Identity
Children are tiny explorers, constantly collecting data about who they are and how they fit into the world. When one sibling feels consistently overlooked, they may begin to question their own worth. They might wonder, “Am I not funny enough?” or “Do I need to be more like my brother so Mom pays attention?” Over time, this can chip away at self-esteem and foster resentment between siblings.
On the flip side, children who sense they’re “the favorite” can grow to rely on that label for self-worth or even develop an inflated sense of self. Neither scenario sets them up for authentic relationships later in life. When parents intentionally spread their love and attention more evenly, however, all children get the reassuring message: I belong in this family, and I’m valued here.
Practical Ways to Stay Balanced
If you crave structure, you might create a simple rotation where each child gets a “special day” or “special hour” with you. Think of it like a small family project plan—consistent, predictable, and easy to track.
If you’re more of a “let’s see what happens” parent, try something spontaneous—switch up weekend outings so each child picks a new activity. Rotate who gets to choose, and you’ll discover unexpected joys.
Love thinking in concepts and theory? Reflect on the deeper reasons behind favoritism. Maybe it’s because you relate to a similar personality, or maybe it’s an unconscious bias. Identifying the “why” helps you avoid repeating patterns.
If you thrive on intuition and relationships, you can lean into noticing the emotional needs of each child. Ask open-ended questions at bedtime like, “What made you smile today?” or “When did you feel really good about yourself?” Then listen without judgment, letting your child’s unique personality shine through.
By weaving these perspectives into your everyday life, you ensure no child’s essence goes unnoticed. And that simple awareness can make a world of difference in how they see themselves.
Three Simple Steps to Engage Your Kids on the Topic
Have a Family Chat: Start with a relaxed conversation—maybe during dinner or a car ride—about “fairness” vs. “sameness.” Ask open questions: “Do you ever feel like things aren’t fair around here?” Then, really listen to what they share.
Tweak Routines: Add small moments of undivided attention for each child. It could be ten minutes of reading with one while another sets the table. The key is showing that every child gets personalized time with you.
Encourage Honest Feedback: Ask your kids (especially older ones) if they sometimes feel less or more favored. It can be humbling to hear, but it offers priceless insights into how to adjust your approach going forward.
Connecting With Each Kid According to the 8 Great Smarts
As Dr. Kathy Koch explains, kids thrive when we engage them in ways that tap into their natural “smarts.” Here are a few ideas for each:
Word Smart: Share family stories or let kids keep a mini-journal of “favorite memories.” They’ll feel heard and important when you discuss their thoughts together.
Logic Smart: Have your child help plan grocery lists, compare prices, or figure out the best route for errands. Logical tasks show them you trust their thinking.
Picture Smart: Encourage doodling, vision boards, or rearranging bedroom spaces. Let them design a small art project that showcases who they are.
Music Smart: Sing a silly family anthem in the car or let them pick a “theme song” for family dance parties. Ask them how music helps them express themselves.
Body Smart: Take a walk together, shoot hoops, or do a quick yoga routine. Physical movement can spark conversations and deeper connections.
Nature Smart: Plant a small herb garden or observe bugs in the backyard. Talk about what they notice, encouraging their curiosity about the world.
People Smart: Discuss relationships—how do friends show kindness? Role-play tricky social situations to help them grow empathy and understanding.
Self Smart: Give them quiet time to reflect—maybe a cozy reading corner or a simple thinking exercise. This validates their need to recharge and think introspectively.
A Final Encouragement
Remember: Parenting can be a dizzying whirlwind of responsibilities, but it’s also such a sweet spot. You’ve gathered life experience, learned about yourself, and got the energy to keep up with a toddler (most days!). You can create a home that bursts with acceptance and belonging by staying aware of unintentional favoritism and intentionally meeting each child’s needs.
No child should feel like they have to earn your love. Acknowledging everyone’s unique strengths—and yes, occasional quirks—makes your family tapestry all the richer. So celebrate those differences, share the love fairly, and watch your kids’ identities flourish under your unwavering support.