I recently read an article exploring the word cringe, which is one of those words my kids probably understand more naturally than I do. The article described a generation that has grown up under constant observation, with cameras, social media, screenshots, comments, and the possibility that an awkward moment might travel far beyond the room where it happened. Teenagers talked about hesitating to try things or express themselves because they feared being labeled cringe, while others argued that embracing embarrassment was part of being human. That caught my attention because childhood and adolescence have always required experimentation, but it feels different when an audience is waiting to judge the attempt. Trying something new once meant you might embarrass yourself in front of a few people who would eventually forget. Today, though, a kid can feel as though one awkward moment might become part of an online identity they did not choose.
Dr. Kathy said identity formation involves exploration, but she grounded that exploration in something sturdier than social approval. Security asks, Who can I trust? Identity asks, Who am I? Belonging asks, Who wants me? Those needs interact because kids discover things about themselves while listening to trustworthy people, trying new activities, entering relationships, and noticing what happens when they take appropriate risks. A child may wonder whether she is musical because Grandma notices something in her voice, then try choir and discover whether that possibility actually fits. Another child may enter a friendship, sport, class, or activity and learn what energizes them, challenges them, or simply doesn't fit their future. Exploration does not manufacture identity, but it gives kids opportunities to discover more of the person God has already created.
Parents Naturally Want the Successful Version of Risk
I admitted to Dr. Kathy that I don't particularly like the idea of my kids taking risks because, as a parent, I would prefer every risk to end well. I would like them to date somebody and somehow avoid heartbreak or take a chance only after I already know the outcome. That is obviously not how growth works, but the parental instinct to protect can make it tempting to remove every situation where failure seems possible. I compared it to a toddler learning to walk because no parent watches the first fall and says, “Well, I guess walking isn't really his thing.” We expect falling because falling is part of learning how to walk. Somewhere between toddlerhood and adolescence, however, we can begin treating failure as evidence that something went wrong instead of recognizing it as one of the ways competence develops.
Dr. Kathy reminded me that resilience cannot grow if children never encounter anything they need to recover from. Parents should absolutely stop risks that could produce serious or lasting harm, just as we would yell when a small child runs toward traffic. But healthy risk follows a different pattern: we stay alert, provide support, let the child try, and then help them make sense of what happened. Learning to ride a bike illustrates this beautifully because we hold the seat, run beside them, stay nearby, and eventually move to the porch. Later, we go inside because the child has built enough competence to ride without us watching every turn. Good parenting doesn’t mean choosing between total protection and total freedom; it means knowing when to hold the seat, when to run beside the child, and when to let go.
Embarrassment Can Become Evidence of Courage
One reason cringe feels so powerful is that embarrassment can convince a kid the risk itself was a mistake. They try something unfamiliar, perform badly, feel exposed, and decide never to put themselves in that position again. But embarrassment sometimes means nothing more than, “I tried something I was not yet good at while other people could see me.” That is not shameful. It may actually show courage. Dr. Kathy made it clear that we should never seek humiliation or put children in situations where embarrassment becomes cruelty, but ordinary awkwardness is part of human development. If a child interprets every uncomfortable experience as something to avoid forever, their world can become increasingly narrow.
Parents can help by changing what we celebrate after the awkward moment. Instead of immediately analyzing the result, we can recognize the willingness to try. “You got up there even though you were nervous” says something different from “You really weren't very good.” “You didn't know anyone, and you still joined the group” communicates that courage mattered even if the experience felt uncomfortable. We can still help kids evaluate what went wrong, whether preparation would have helped, and whether they want to try again. The goal isn't to pretend every attempt was secretly successful. The goal is to teach kids that an unsuccessful attempt doesn’t erase the value of stepping forward.
Sometimes Kids Need to Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
I told Dr. Kathy about one of my sons who didn't look like a football player when he was young and especially wanted to become one. I still asked him to play for one season because I believed the experience of getting knocked down and having to stand back up for the next play could help develop resilience. He never became a football player, and people watching him may have had moments where they thought he looked completely out of place. But he stuck with it, felt uncomfortable, recovered, and eventually learned that feeling uncomfortable didn’t mean he was incapable of continuing. Years later, I can see him stepping into situations I don't think he would have chosen naturally when he was younger. Football was not the destination; it was one of the places he learned he could survive being uncomfortable.
Dr. Kathy said that kind of parenting keeps the larger picture in view because individual moments add together into a life. Kids need to understand that they will not always fit perfectly or feel instantly competent when they enter something new. If comfort becomes the standard for what makes an experience good, development slows because growth often requires doing things before we feel ready. A child may feel awkward entering a youth group, trying a sport, answering a question, performing music, meeting new people, or admitting they need help. None of those feelings automatically mean they should stop. Sometimes staying present in discomfort is exactly what prepares them for greater freedom later.
Knowing How They Are Smart Gives Kids Another Way Forward
This is one reason I love Dr. Kathy's 8 Great Smarts framework. When children understand how they are smart, they have more than a label; they have additional ways to approach a problem. Dr. Kathy used an example of a Nature Smart child who struggles to distinguish words such as “was” and “saw.” Nature Smart kids often notice patterns, so instead of demanding more memorization, a parent can help the child notice the visual pattern in the letters and use that natural strength to address a weakness. That child can enter the next spelling test with a strategy rather than simply expecting to be embarrassed again. The smart has not removed the challenge, but it has given the child a different way to engage it.
That difference matters because kids who know their design can approach awkward situations with more hope. A Self Smart child may know that they need a little more time to think before speaking. A People Smart child may recognize that they process ideas best through conversation. A Body Smart child may understand something better after doing rather than only hearing instructions. Knowing these things does not excuse a child from developing weaker areas, but it gives them tools for entering those areas without believing the difficulty means they are unintelligent. The 8 Great Smarts can give the climb a destination because the child is not merely enduring embarrassment; they are learning how God has equipped them to solve problems.
Parents Need to Help Kids Interpret What Happened
Dr. Kathy emphasized that being present is only part of supporting risk; parents also need to help children interpret what happened afterward. Was the child prepared? Did somebody treat them unfairly? Did they ignore good advice? Were they teachable? Did arrogance contribute to the problem? Did they simply need more practice? Those are harder questions than saying, “You did great,” but they are also more useful because resilience isn't built by pretending every failure was someone else's fault.
Kids need adults who can separate shame from responsibility. We can say, “You are not a failure, but you did make a mistake there.” We can say, “That person was unkind, and I also think there is something you could do differently next time.” We can celebrate courage while still teaching humility and wisdom. That combination gives children both security and accountability, so they can look honestly at the experience without feeling their worth is on trial. Our job is not to protect them from every painful conclusion; it is to help them reach true conclusions.
The Fear of Cringe Can Quietly Shrink a Child's Life
If kids become too afraid of embarrassment, they may eventually choose only situations where success feels almost guaranteed. They don't audition, volunteer, ask questions, meet new people, join teams, speak up, apply for jobs, or try something they might initially do badly. That protects them from immediate embarrassment but also protects them from discovering abilities, relationships, and opportunities they cannot find without moving beyond what is familiar. The fear of cringe can look socially sophisticated because a child appears highly aware of how others perceive them. Underneath it, though, there may simply be fear of being seen trying. A generation that constantly observes itself from an audience's perspective can become hesitant to participate fully in life.
Parents can push back by creating homes where trying badly is survivable. Laugh together without mocking. Tell stories about things you once did awkwardly. Admit when you tried something and were not good at it. Let kids see you learn, apologize, change course, and occasionally look foolish while doing something worthwhile. The child who grows up believing, “My family will still know me and love me after an awkward moment,” has more freedom to explore because belonging is not continually being renegotiated. Security at home creates courage outside it.
Matthew 14 Gives Us a Better Picture of Risk
As Dr. Kathy and I talked, I thought about Peter stepping out of the boat in Matthew 14. Peter asks Jesus to call him onto the water, steps out, and for a moment does something impossible before fear overwhelms him, and he begins to sink. We often remember the sinking, but the story begins with Peter having enough faith to leave the boat in the first place. Jesus doesn't stand at a distance, mocking him for failing to finish what he started. He reaches out and catches him. That matters because Peter's moment of fear did not erase the courage that brought him onto the water.
I think our children need that picture because following Jesus does not guarantee a life without uncomfortable moments. Faith sometimes leads us directly into places where we are unsure of ourselves and more aware of our dependence on Him. A child who tries and fails learns something about both personal limits and God's faithfulness. The goal is not to keep kids dry by making sure they never leave the boat. The goal is to help them trust Christ enough to step when He calls and to know that stumbling does not put them beyond His reach. Courage and dependence can grow in the same moment.
Don’t Make Embarrassment the Final Verdict
Parents have enormous influence over how a child remembers an awkward experience. We can turn it into evidence that they should never try again, or we can help them see what the moment taught. Maybe they learned they need more preparation. Maybe they discovered something was not a good fit. Maybe they realized they were more resilient than they expected. Maybe they found a strength they did not know they had. Maybe the only lesson was that other people noticing an awkward moment is not actually fatal.
That is what I want my kids to know as they grow. Their lives do not need to be optimized to avoid cringe. They need enough security in Christ, enough belonging in family, enough understanding of their design, and enough experience recovering from awkwardness for embarrassment to lose some of its power. We should protect them from genuine harm while resisting the temptation to protect them from every uncomfortable feeling. Growth has always involved trying before we are experts. Our kids need permission to be human long enough to become mature.
Climbing Cringe Mountain Through the 8 Great Smarts
Word Smart: Encourage kids to speak, write, perform, debate, or tell stories even when their words are not perfect yet, and help them learn from the attempt instead of replaying the embarrassment.
Logic Smart: After a difficult experience, help them analyze what actually happened, what they could control, what they could not, and what they might change next time.
Picture Smart: Let kids sketch, design, create, photograph, or present visual ideas without requiring every finished product to be display-worthy.
Music Smart: Encourage performances, lessons, auditions, or practicing in front of others so mistakes become part of musical development rather than evidence to quit.
Body Smart: Give kids opportunities to learn sports, dance, building, cooking, mechanics, or other physical skills where awkward first attempts are expected.
Nature Smart: Use patterns and observation in creation to help kids approach problems through a strength they already understand, especially when another skill feels uncomfortable.
People Smart: Practice entering unfamiliar groups, meeting new people, asking questions, apologizing, disagreeing, and recovering when a social interaction does not go perfectly.
Self Smart: Help children notice when fear of embarrassment is influencing a decision and distinguish between wise caution and simply wanting to avoid being seen struggling.
Remember: However your child is smart, remember that resilience requires enough challenge for them to discover they can recover. We do not send them into every risk or celebrate every form of experimentation, but neither should we build a childhood where avoiding embarrassment becomes the highest priority. Kids need trustworthy adults nearby while they try, stumble, interpret, adjust, and try again. Sometimes the moment that feels most cringe today becomes the story they tell years later about the first time they realized discomfort did not have the final word. That kind of freedom helps them become more fully who God created and called them to be.