When Violence and Gender Confusion Collide: How Do We Talk to Our Kids?
This is a hard one.
When shootings happen, it shakes us. When they involve family members, it devastates us. When they involve identity confusion and mental health struggles, it leaves us asking questions we don’t know how to answer. And our kids are watching.
They’re hearing the headlines and seeing social media commentary.
So what do we do?
Do we ignore it? Do we explain everything? Do we warn them? Do we stay silent?
Let’s walk carefully.
First: Not Everyone Who Struggles Becomes Violent
We need to be crystal clear.
Not every person who experiences gender confusion is violent.
Not every person with mental health struggles becomes aggressive.
If that were true, violence would be constant and everywhere.
But we would also be naïve to ignore that several recent violent incidents have involved individuals who publicly identified as transgender and who also reportedly struggled with significant mental health issues.
On a podcast called Facing the Dark, we cannot pretend patterns don’t exist.
Ignoring reality does not help our kids.
The Mental Health Layer Matters
Research consistently shows that individuals experiencing gender dysphoria or identity confusion often struggle with:
Anxiety
Depression
Suicidal ideation
Isolation
Despair
Trauma histories
That doesn’t make them evil. It does mean they are often deeply hurting. The tragedy comes when someone places their hope in something that cannot ultimately heal them.
If someone believes, “If I change my gender, everything will be fixed,” and it doesn’t fix the deeper depression or identity fragmentation, anger can follow.
And anger without anchor is dangerous. Not always. But sometimes.
And sometimes is enough to take seriously.
This Isn’t Theoretical
Let’s pause here.
This is not abstract for many families.
Many of us have friends. Real friends. People we love. People who would describe their gender identity differently than we would. So when we talk about this, we are not talking about enemies.
We are talking about neighbors. Co workers. Former classmates. Family members.
Which means we must speak carefully, truthfully, and compassionately.
“What Happens in Private Is Private”… Is It?
Our culture has told us for years that what happens in someone’s “private life” should not concern anyone else.
But character never stays private.
Beliefs about identity shape behavior. Internal narratives shape external actions.
Unresolved despair shapes outward expression. That doesn’t mean every private struggle leads to public harm.
But it does mean ideas matter. And when identity becomes untethered from truth, instability often follows.
How Do We Talk to Our Kids About This?
Carefully and prayerfully. With extra care to only give them what they are ready for. A five year old does not need a lecture about ideology. A high schooler likely needs more clarity.
Ask yourself:
Is my child emotionally mature enough for this conversation?
Do they have close friends who would be directly affected by what I say?
Am I speaking from fear, or from wisdom?
We do not want our children assuming that every confused person becomes violent.
We do want them understanding:
Mental health matters.
Identity confusion is not neutral.
Hope placed in the wrong place disappoints.
Jesus is the only secure foundation.
We Must Teach Character, Not Just Model It
It’s not enough to “live a good life.” We must teach what goodness is.
Children cannot build discernment if we never explain:
What is truth?
What is deception?
What is compassion?
What is courage?
What is biblical identity?
More is often “caught than taught” because we are not teaching enough.
We cannot expect our children to stand firm in culture if we have never explained what they are standing on.
We Also Teach Compassion
This matters deeply.
People struggling with identity confusion are not stupid. They are often deceived. They are often hurting. They are often searching for peace.
Our kids must learn to see both:
Truth without hatred
Compassion without compromise
We pray for people who are confused. We do not mock them. We do not dehumanize them. We do not pretend confusion is clarity.
Truth and love must hold hands.
The Root Is the Heart
Jesus reminds us in Matthew 12 that a tree is recognized by its fruit.
Public behavior flows from private formation.
If someone’s internal world is filled with rage, fragmentation, or despair, that will surface eventually.
This applies to every human being, not just one group.
Which means the most important work we do as parents is heart work.
We anchor our children in:
Secure identity in Christ
Unconditional love
Clear moral truth
Emotional health
Character formation
That is prevention.
What We Can Do Practically
If you don’t know what to do in cultural chaos:
Pray with your kids.
Talk about mental health openly.
Teach biblical identity clearly.
Model faithful, stable relationships.
Serve hurting people together.
Serving at a food bank or volunteering with the vulnerable.
These actions teach children that the answer to confusion is not outrage, it’s restoration.
Engaging the 8 Great Smarts in Hard Cultural Conversations
When discussing topics like violence and identity, meet your child where they process best.
Word Smart
Have calm conversations. Let them ask questions. Give clear definitions of terms.Logic Smart
Walk through cause and effect. Discuss how internal beliefs shape outward behavior.Picture Smart
Draw a simple diagram of “roots and fruit.” What’s happening under the surface? What shows up outwardly?Music Smart
Discuss songs that reflect identity confusion or hope. What worldview is embedded in the lyrics?Body Smart
Process heavy topics while walking or tossing a ball. Movement helps emotional regulation.Nature Smart
Use nature analogies. Roots, trees, storms, foundations. Visual metaphors help understanding.People Smart
Role play how to speak truth kindly if a friend brings up identity questions.Self Smart
Encourage journaling. Ask: “What do you believe about who you are? Why?”
Remember: These are not easy days. But our children do not need parents who panic.
They need parents who pray. They need anchors. They need calm conviction. They need to see that when culture shakes, our foundation does not.
And when we don’t know what else to do? We pray. Because character formed in Christ produces fruit that does not rot in cultural storms.