Is Your Kid Being Defiant, Or Just Brave in the Right Direction?
“What if raising a defiant kid isn’t such a bad thing?”
That’s the claim made by organizational psychologist and author Sunita Sah. She argues that instead of teaching kids to always say "yes," we should train them to say “no” when it matters most. Defiance, in her view, is essential to self-advocacy. Kids who never learn to push back might also never learn to stand up for what’s right.
But is defiance really what we want to teach?
On today’s Celebrate Kids Podcast, Dr. Kathy and Wayne dig deep into this trending idea. The heart of the conversation? How we help kids develop confidence and character without celebrating arrogance, rebellion, or entitlement.
Confidence Without the Costume of Rebellion
It’s not hard to see why Sah’s argument resonates with parents. We want our kids to grow up to speak truth, resist peer pressure, and advocate for what’s good and just.
But here’s the twist: rebellion is often a shortcut. It feels powerful, but lacks wisdom. It makes noise, but not always progress.
Dr. Kathy explained it this way:
“Sin comes naturally. What doesn’t come naturally is knowing how to speak up with humility and confidence, rooted in truth.”
We don’t need to teach kids to be defiant. That shows up on its own. What we need to teach is discernment; when to speak, how to speak, and why it matters. Not every “no” is righteous, and not every bold move is wise.
The Right Kind of Strong
Biblical assertiveness isn’t loud. It’s rooted.
Think of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25. She didn’t lash out. She didn’t grandstand. She approached David with humility and courage, diffusing his reckless anger with well-timed truth and grace. She saved lives and modeled a version of strength we rarely talk about.
Our culture often elevates Nabal-strength: loud, arrogant, proud, and sometimes even David-strength: passionate but impulsive. But what our kids need is Abigail-strength: firm, thoughtful, and full of honor.
And that kind of strength doesn’t come from being told, “Just be defiant.” It comes from having their core needs met: security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence.
Teaching the When, not just the What
Self-efficacy isn’t just confidence, it’s the belief that you can do the right thing in the right moment. And for our kids to develop it, we have to teach them when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” That’s wisdom.
We model.
We explain.
We coach.
We ask questions like:
“Why did you respond that way?”
“What do you think would’ve been a better way?”
“Was that about standing up for truth, or proving a point?”
We catch them doing it well and say, “That was brave and wise.”
We correct when they push back with entitlement or pride.
Because we’re not raising performers. We’re raising thinkers.
Parenting Beyond the Moment
Helping kids discern when to be bold and when to submit is not a one-time lesson. It’s the work of years. It takes dinners, car rides, late-night conversations, and “let’s talk about that later” follow-ups.
And it’s worth it.
Healthy self-advocacy and self-efficacy come from teaching our kids how to think and how to communicate, how to pause, how to reflect, how to stand firm with kindness.
We’re not parenting just for today, we’re parenting for the kind of adults we want our kids to become tomorrow.
Engage the 8 Great Smarts to Grow Assertiveness (Not Arrogance)
Use your child’s strengths to teach them when and how to speak up:
Word Smart – Encourage them to write about a time they spoke up, or should have. Help them script-wise responses.
Logic Smart – Talk through real-life situations: “Was that a time to speak or to listen?” Use logic to evaluate timing and tone.
Picture Smart – Let them draw or imagine what confidence looks like. Create scenarios with different responses.
Music Smart – Explore songs that promote kindness, strength, or empathy. Use lyrics to reflect on what kind of “voice” they want.
Body Smart – Role-play different situations. Help them practice body posture, tone, and presence when standing up for themselves.
Nature Smart – Take a walk and reflect on how nature displays strength through rootedness, not force.
People Smart – Help them notice others’ reactions. Teach empathy in conversations: “How did your words make them feel?”
Self Smart – Give them space to reflect. Ask: “What mattered to you most in that moment?” “What did you feel inside?”
Remember, you’re raising more than a voice. You’re point kids to resemble the light that can shine in any darkness.