Model Values to Guide Behavior
Your kids are watching you. Not just what you say but how you live.
That’s both sobering and freeing. Sobering, because the “Do as I say, not as I do” approach rarely works. Freeing, because it means the most powerful way to guide your kids’ behavior isn’t another lecture, it’s your everyday example.
Kids Notice More Than You Think
Dr. Kathy often hears kids say something heartbreaking: “I know my parents love me. I just wish they liked me.”
Kids assume love is automatic; it comes with the title “Mom” or “Dad.” But liking them? That’s a choice. And kids feel it when you put down your phone to shoot hoops, when you sit on the floor and build Lego towers, when you invite them to walk the dog with you. Liking them looks like time, attention, and delight.
And here’s the truth backed by research: nearly half of kids are more likely to learn or obey when they feel genuinely liked. Your connection opens their heart to correction.
Values Without Action Feel Like Hypocrisy
A recent study showed that teens listen more when parents live out the values they teach. If you preach patience but snap in traffic, your tone speaks louder than your lecture.
When what you model doesn’t match what you demand, rules feel like control, not care. And when kids feel controlled, defiance grows.
Alternatively, when you consistently live your values, even imperfectly, with apologies along the way, your words gain weight. Kids see you practicing what you preach, and they’re more likely to follow.
Teaching More Than Rules
Every parent knows the moment: you’re in church, at a family gathering, or at a restaurant, and you just want your kid to behave. You want to blend in, not stand out. But behavior modification alone isn’t the goal. What matters is teaching discernment.
Discernment means helping your kids see the “where, what, when, why, and how” behind their actions. At grandma’s house, “don’t touch” is about respecting her fragile treasures. At home, exploration is encouraged because curiosity is a family value. Some values, like kindness and honesty, are always on. Others flex with the setting.
When kids learn why behavior changes in different spaces, they don’t just follow rules. They grow wise.
Seeing Strengths in Misbehavior
In the same light, kids often “act out” through their strengths. The chatterbox teases with words. The analytical child pushes boundaries to see what happens. The energetic one climbs on everything. Instead of only punishing, reframe correction. Our chatterbox child is wired for communication. That analyst? Wired for problem-solving. The one climbing is wired for exploration.
Your role is to help your child steward the gifts they have well. Kids risk adopting damaging identities if we don’t direct them. They can believe challenging ideas like: “I’m the bad kid. I’m the troublemaker.” Instead of, “God made me strong in unique ways. I need to learn to use that wisely.”
How to Start Living This Out
Pause and reflect. Think about your upbringing. What modeled values helped you? Which ones hurt? Which patterns do you want to continue, or rewrite?
Name your priorities. Does gratitude mark your family? Joy? Integrity? Curiosity? If you don’t name your values, culture will name them for you.
Own your mistakes. When you blow it, apologize. Kids respect parents who admit failure far more than parents who pretend perfection.
Adjust with maturity. Maybe your 10-year-old is whining about bedtime not because they’re rebellious, but because they’re growing. Behavior can be communication. Treat it that way, rather than it always being a lesson of how much our children sin and need Jesus.
Choose connection. A child who feels liked and delighted in is far more likely to obey than one who feels constantly managed.
Using the 8 Great Smarts to Model Values
Here’s how you can lean into your child’s wiring as you model and guide values:
Word Smart – Speak affirmations of the values you live (“We tell the truth, even when it’s hard”).
Logic Smart – Show how living your values makes sense (“Being honest builds trust—we can count on each other”).
Picture Smart – Post a family vision board or scripture art that reflects your core values.
Music Smart – Share songs that capture gratitude, joy, or perseverance.
Body Smart – Model serving others physically (helping a neighbor move boxes, inviting your child to join).
Nature Smart – Use God’s creation to point out order, care, and stewardship as family values.
People Smart – Talk about role models who live with integrity and how they inspire you.
Self Smart – Give kids quiet moments to reflect on how their choices line up with family values.The Bottom Line
Remember, your kids don’t need you to be flawless. They need you to be real, consistent, and willing to walk the same road you’re asking them to walk. Modeling values isn’t about control, it’s about connection.
And in the long run, that connection is what shapes behavior, grows discernment, and helps kids develop an identity rooted in truth, not rebellion.