Not Just Polite: Teaching the Muscle of Kindness

At Celebrate Kids, we talk often about building strong muscles in our kids, not just physical ones, but character muscles. Empathy and Curiosity, Resiliency and Kindness.

And here’s what we’ve noticed: most of us skill-and-drill the ABCs, but we expect kindness without instruction. We walk kids through phonics, reward them for mastering their multiplication tables, and correct their spelling mistakes again and again. But when it comes to character? We hope they just “pick it up.”

But sometimes they don’t.

Kids need practice to be kind. They need examples. And yes, they need feedback, just like with spelling and subtraction. Kindness doesn’t grow in the wild. It grows in relationship.

A psychologist we came across, Dr. Emily Guarnotta, said something that really made us pause. She wrote, “Politeness is a social script, but kindness is an internal state of empathy and regulation.”

That hit home. We’ve all known people who seem polite on the outside. They say the right things, make eye contact, and even hold the door. But their words don’t always match a heart that’s kind. And sometimes? Our kids are the same. They’ve learned to say “sorry” without understanding what for. They’ve said “please” and “thank you” but can’t explain why kindness matters.

That’s why the real work of parenting isn’t about scripting our kids for social acceptance. It’s about forming their hearts for connection and compassion.

Here’s the hopeful news: studies are showing us that parents can build kindness. They’ve even found habits that show up again and again in homes where kids grow into kind people. Some of the traits might surprise you:

• Parents who take responsibility for their own mistakes.

• Parents who “fight fair” and then model repair.

• Parents who don’t force apologies, but teach the why behind them.

• Parents who encourage kids to set boundaries.

• Parents who name emotions with curiosity: “I saw you were sad this morning...”

• Parents who celebrate “grows” and “glows.”

• Parents who model empathy, celebrate differences, and don’t rush to “fix it.”

That list might feel like a lot. But here’s the key: every one of these practices builds trust. And trust creates a safe space for kindness to grow.

Kindness starts with feeling secure enough to be vulnerable. Secure enough to say “I’m sorry.” Secure enough to say, “That hurt.” Secure enough to say, “How can I help?”

In Luke 15, Jesus told a story about a son who rehearsed a script. He had his apology lined up: “Father, I’ve sinned against heaven and against you…” But the father interrupted. He ran. He embraced. His compassion beat the speech to the door.

Kindness doesn’t erase boundaries. But it does elevate mercy. And it’s mercy, given and received, that forms the character we hope our kids carry into the world.

We don’t teach kindness by making kids repeat “I’m sorry” on cue. We teach it by helping them see others. By showing them their impact. By showing them they’re safe enough to care.

Practice Kindness With Your Child’s Smarts

Here are ways to build kindness muscles in each of your child’s 8 Great Smarts:

Word Smart:
Encourage your child to write a “kindness journal” where they record one kind thing they did and one kind thing someone did for them each day.

Logic Smart:
Talk through a situation where someone was hurt. Ask, “Why do you think that happened?” or “What might be a better response next time?” Let them problem-solve kindness.

Picture Smart:
Draw comic strips or scenes showing a kind and an unkind version of a moment. Let your child illustrate what kindness looks like.

Music Smart:
Create a playlist of songs that inspire empathy, compassion, and peace. Talk about how music affects our moods and actions.

Body Smart:
Role-play tough moments where kindness is hard—sharing toys, sibling arguments, playground mishaps. Practice kind responses with full body expression.

Nature Smart:
Talk about kindness as something we “plant” and “grow.” Go on a walk and notice how different environments need different care—just like people do.

People Smart:
Notice facial expressions and body language together in real-time. Ask, “What do you think she’s feeling?” Practice reading cues and responding kindly.

Self Smart:
Give your child space to reflect quietly: “When did you feel proud of how you treated someone today?” Journaling or prayer can help kindness sink deep.

Remember: kindness isn’t just polite behavior. It’s heart posture. And it takes practice.