When Gender Isn’t the Whole Story: A Compassionate Path to Identity

At Celebrate Kids, we talk a lot about identity, not as something we construct from scratch, but as something we discover. Something formed in relationship. Something grounded in truth and built with love.

But what happens when that process feels hijacked? When a child starts believing that changing their gender is the only way to feel whole?

We’re in a cultural moment where conversations about gender, especially with our kids, feel overwhelming. Parents are nervous. Kids are confused. The headlines are charged. Hospitals are pausing treatments. And many families feel caught in the middle, unsure how to help and unsure what to hope for.

Let’s take a breath.

Here’s what we believe at Celebrate Kids: Gender is not the whole story. And most of the time, it’s not even the main one.

A trusted counselor put it this way:

“Gender is often a mask. It’s not the root issue. Behind it is pain, depression, anxiety, confusion, fear about the future.”

That’s why she spends only 25% of her sessions talking about gender—and the other 75% helping kids deal with the pain underneath.

Let that sink in. What if gender conversations at home followed that same rhythm? What if we talked less about identity labels and more about how our kids feel when they walk into school? What are they afraid of? What makes them anxious? What makes them feel seen?

You don't have to be a therapist. But you can be a guide. You can create space for the full story, not just the surface label.

Jesus did that with the Samaritan woman in John 4. She arrived at the well carrying shame, confusion, and a fractured identity. Jesus didn’t affirm her confusion, but He didn’t attack her either. He saw her. He engaged her gently, truthfully, and most importantly, relationally. And in that slow, patient conversation, she walked away changed, not because He avoided hard truth, but because He led with compassion and stayed with her long enough for clarity to rise.

We can do that too.

It’s tempting to “fix” kids in moments of distress. But identity isn’t fixed—it’s formed. Over time. In relationship. With God and with others.

So what do we do?

Dr. Kathy teaches a powerful framework in her book Raising Gender-Confident Kids, co-written with Dr. Jeff Myers. It begins with four postures:

• Compassion – We see and feel the struggle without dismissing it.

• Hope – We believe God has a good future, even when things feel hard.

• Truth – We root our conversations in God's Word and loving honesty.

• Confidence – We trust that God’s design is good, even when the world says otherwise.

Those postures don’t just lead to answers. They lead to courage.

And courage is what your child needs. Not slogans. Not pressure. Just your presence. Your patience. And your peace.

Because gender isn't just about gender. It's about pain, confusion, belonging, and the deep desire to be known.

So start with questions like:

• “What’s been hard lately?”

• “Is there something you’ve been carrying alone?”

• “What makes you feel confused or afraid?”

Listen deeply. Stay near. And help them root their identity in the truth of how God made them: on purpose, with purpose, for a purpose.

You can do this.

Engage Their Identity Through the 8 Great Smarts

Use the 8 Great Smarts to help your child explore who they are with compassion and truth:

• Word Smart:
  Invite your child to journal or write a letter to God about what they’re feeling. Writing gives words to emotion and makes space for honesty.

• Logic Smart:
  Talk about how our feelings can sometimes lead to assumptions that aren’t true. Work through “If/then” questions about gender, identity, and self-worth.

• Picture Smart:
  Draw or collage what it means to be made in God’s image. Let your child express identity visually—through symbols, colors, or imagery.

• Music Smart:
  Create a playlist of worship songs or peaceful music that affirms truth. Let music minister to identity and calm anxious emotions.

• Body Smart:
  Get moving. Go for walks and talk side-by-side. Movement can open conversations and ease pressure in difficult topics.

• Nature Smart:
  Explore God’s creation together and talk about how everything has design and purpose—trees, seasons, animals. So do we.

• People Smart:
  Role-play tough conversations. Help your child practice how to talk to friends or respond to confusing statements with confidence and kindness.

• Self Smart:
  Create quiet time each week for personal reflection. Ask your child what they’re learning about themselves and where they see God at work.

Remember: You are not alone.
God loves your child more than you do. And He is not overwhelmed.
Keep showing up. Keep walking with them. Let kindness, not panic, guide you.