iPads and Identity: What Screens Are Really Doing to Our Kids
Imagine walking into your house, turning off the lights, and instantly the TV turns on, the iPad lights up, Alexa starts talking, and a YouTube short autoplay fills the air with noise. Welcome to modern parenting.
Today, Dr. Kathy and I explored the rise of “TV Moms,” a group of parents who embrace television but restrict tablets and personal screens. They argue there’s a meaningful difference between passive TV time and the hyper personal, isolating world of handheld devices. And honestly, they’re not wrong.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, kids under age 2 shouldn’t have any screen time. Between the ages of 2 and 5, they recommend no more than one hour per day. That’s because research continues to show that excessive screen time is linked to shorter attention spans and weaker relationships, especially when screens are used alone.
TV Isn’t the Villain. But It’s Not the Hero Either.
So what’s the difference?
TV can be communal. Think family movie night. Or a documentary that sparks family conversation, like Wayne’s wife watching a “history of McDonald's” special with the kids over breakfast.
But iPads? Those often pull each child into their own world. One screen. One kid. No discussion. No shared experience.
That’s not neutral. That’s formation.
What’s Really at Risk
Dr. Kathy pointed out something that might stop you in your tracks:
“Children tell me they won’t start hard conversations with their parents if they see a phone in their hands.”
Screens aren’t just distracting us from our to do lists. They’re stealing relational moments, moments that build trust and belonging.
When kids grow up with constant noise, TVs on in the background, tablets always within reach, they begin to internalize beliefs like: My voice has to compete with noise. Or I’m not as interesting as a screen.
But identity isn’t formed through distraction. It’s formed in stillness and in meaningful interactions.
What Screens Take Away
Today’s kids are missing out on something Dr. Kathy and I both grew up with: long walks, simple play, Red Rover, and roller skates, conversations that wandered for hours.
Instead, many of today’s children fall asleep with a screen in hand.
And when it’s quiet, they don’t feel peace. They feel anxiety.
“When we’re quiet, wisdom rises.”
– Dr. Kathy Koch, Screens and Teens
When we constantly fill the air with digital input, kids lose space to wonder, process emotions, talk with us, and hear from God.
Quiet time is no longer normal. And that’s a problem.
Why It Matters for Identity Formation
In Deuteronomy 6, God instructs His people to teach their children diligently as they sit, walk, lie down, and rise. Identity formation in Scripture happens in shared rhythms, not fragmented scrolls.
Screens collapse those rhythms. They can hollow out the quiet places where truth sinks deep. That’s why we need to fight for quiet in our homes. Not because screens are inherently evil, but because kids need space to be seen and to hear truth from the people who love them most.
Your presence is irreplaceable.
8 Great Smarts: Ways to Engage Your Kids in Screen Free Identity Building
Here are ways to engage your kids in each smart area this week without relying on screens:
Word Smart - Have a family conversation about a memory or a topic from the day. Let your child journal, dictate, or retell a story out loud instead of watching one.
Logic Smart - Pose a problem to solve, such as how to make dinner from only five ingredients or build something using items from the junk drawer.
Picture Smart - Ask your kids to draw their day, imagine a new animal species, or design a screen-free family fun zone.
Music Smart - Make a screen free playlist together. Then listen to the songs and talk about what they make you feel or what they remind you of.
Body Smart - Start a new physical tradition, like after dinner walks, mini obstacle courses in the yard, or “freeze dance” in the kitchen.
Nature Smart - Take 10 minutes to step outside together and listen to natural sounds. Look for something beautiful and talk about how it makes you feel.
People Smart - Role-play a social situation together, like meeting someone new or asking for help. Or invite someone over for a shared, screen-free game night.
Self Smart - Give your child a screen-free, quiet moment to reflect: “What did you like most about today? What are you wondering about right now?”
Remember: TV moms aren’t completely wrong. But let’s not stop at TV. Let’s reclaim the rhythms of together. Turn off the screens. Turn on the connection. Your child’s identity depends on it.