Before Achievement Comes Mattering: What Kids Need to Flourish
Back to school season has a way of turning otherwise reasonable parents into amateur admissions officers. Suddenly we are comparing math programs, thinking about tutors, looking at extracurricular calendars, and wondering whether everyone else's fourth grader has already begun preparing for the SAT. There is a quiet pressure around parenting today that tells us our children should be above average at nearly everything. The problem, of course, is that “above average” stops meaning anything when we expect it from everybody.
In the research we discussed on the Celebrate Kids Podcast, Jennifer Wallace described what she calls a “mattering mindset” the belief that a person has inherent value and can make a meaningful contribution to the world. That gets closer to something children desperately need. Long term flourishing is not achieved simply by making children accomplish more. A child can achieve remarkable things while quietly believing, “I am only valuable when I perform.”
The Goal Is Becoming, Not Merely Achieving
Dr. Kathy put the goal simply: we want children to become who they were created to be. Sometimes that child earns an A. Sometimes their honest, diligent work produces a B, and the B should be celebrated because it represents what they were actually capable of in that season. The goal is not lowering standards. If a child can do excellent work, we should teach diligence and responsibility. But excellence is different from demanding that every child excel by the same measure.
Parents should also examine the source of our pressure. Some adults demand a lot because a lot was demanded of them. Others push children because nobody pushed them, and they carry regret about opportunities they believe they lost. Without realizing it, we can ask a child to repair something in our own story. That is a heavy assignment for a ten year old.
Kids Need to Know They Matter Before They Perform
Mattering changes motivation because value changes effort. Children who believe they are known and significant are more able to invest themselves. They have something worth developing and somewhere meaningful to offer it. Children who believe their value continually hangs on the next grade may become highly motivated, too, but that motivation can take the form of fear, comparison, perfectionism, or avoidance.
Everybody is motivated toward something. A student may be motivated to earn an A. Another may be motivated to do exactly enough work to protect free time. Healthy motivation grows when children value themselves and believe their future contains meaningful possibilities.
Mattering Is Usually Communicated in Small Ways
How does a child know they matter? Rarely because somebody formally announces it. They know because people remember them. Use their name. Ask their opinion. Notice when they are absent. Remember something they told you last week. Invite them into conversation.
Dr. Kathy shared something children have told her repeatedly: when adults know their names, they know they matter. That seems almost ridiculously simple, but think about what a name communicates. “I did not reduce you to the kid in the third row. I noticed you specifically.” Even admitting, “I know we have met, but I forgot your name. Please tell me again because I want to remember,” can communicate more value than pretending.
Ask the Questions Your Child Is Actually Asking
Knowing children also means discovering what questions matter to them. I remember one of my sons telling me after Sunday school, “Dad, they aren't answering the questions I'm asking.” There was nothing necessarily wrong with the class. But something important was happening in him that the class was not reaching.
For a season, I pulled him into a different setting where we could wrestle with his actual questions. The point was not that every child gets to redesign every classroom around personal preferences. It was that I wanted him to understand that his questions mattered. Education becomes hospitable when children experience adults who are interested not only in whether they produced the right answer but in what is happening in their minds.
High Achievement Is Too Small a Definition of Success
This is why I appreciate Thomas Armstrong's “genius qualities”: wisdom, wonder, vitality, sensitivity, flexibility, curiosity, creativity, imagination, inventiveness, playfulness, humor, and joy. Those are not easily captured on a standardized test. Yet think about the adults you most enjoy working with. We want people who remain curious, adapt as plans change, solve problems creatively, notice others, laugh appropriately, and retain a sense of wonder.
School matters. Grades can matter. Academic achievement can open meaningful doors. But the purpose of education is to prepare children for life, not merely more education. We all know people who were extraordinarily successful students and seem to be struggling at life. We also know people for whom school was difficult who became wise, productive, generous, interesting adults.
Protect the Qualities Children Naturally Bring
Spend time around young children and many of these genius qualities are difficult to miss. They wonder constantly. They invent things adults did not request. They ask questions at inconvenient times. They are playful. Their imaginations turn cardboard into spacecraft and couches into mountains. They possess a kind of vitality that makes adults tired simply by watching.
Then we can slowly train those qualities out of them. Sit still. Stop asking. Do it this way. Stay inside the lines. We certainly need order, discipline, attention, and the ability to follow directions. Life requires those too. But formation should not require extinguishing the very curiosity, flexibility, and inventiveness children will need later.
Look for Life Skills Hiding Inside Schoolwork
A messy paper does not necessarily mean nothing valuable happened. Maybe the picture smart child was doodling while listening and actually processed the discussion deeply. Maybe the child who asked twelve questions was not being difficult but exercising curiosity.
Parents and teachers can correct what genuinely needs correcting while still identifying what is good. “Your handwriting needs more care, but the idea you developed here is excellent.” “You need to wait your turn to speak, but I love that you are thinking this deeply.” Correction and celebration do not have to compete.
God Knows Children by Name
For Christian parents, mattering begins deeper than our ability to make a child feel special. Children matter because God creates, knows, and loves people. Their worth does not originate in our praise, their grades, athletic ability, social status, or future salary. We want our children to know that before any other metric begins speaking loudly.
That gives us freedom to celebrate accomplishments without turning them into identity. “You worked hard, and I am proud of you” is very different from communicating, “Your accomplishment is why you are worth being proud of.” One celebrates faithfulness. The other quietly turns performance into a condition of belonging.
Bezalel Gives Us a Different Picture of Excellence
Exodus 31 offers one of Scripture's beautiful pictures of giftedness. God names Bezalel and fills him “with the Spirit of God, with ability and intelligence, with knowledge and all craftsmanship.” He is given artistic and technical ability for the construction of the tabernacle. Oholiab and other skilled workers are appointed alongside him.
These are not kings standing before armies. They are makers. People who understand gold, stone, wood, fabric, design, and detail. Their abilities matter because God intends to use them in His work.
That should expand the way we look at children. The Lego builder matters. The doodler matters. The kid who takes things apart to see how they work matters, even if we occasionally wish he would remember how to put them back together. The child who makes people laugh, notices when someone is lonely, hears harmony, understands machinery, loves numbers, or asks endless questions may be showing us something God has placed there.
Give Gifts Somewhere Meaningful to Go
Children begin believing they matter when their gifts become useful. Let the artistic child make something for the home. Let the people smart child welcome guests. Ask the mechanically curious teenager to help solve an actual problem. Let the child who loves younger kids serve them. Do not merely tell children they are gifted; give those gifts somewhere to go.
That is where purpose and belonging begin to reinforce each other. “I can do something.” “There is a place for me here.” That kind of mattering can become a much stronger engine than chasing one more achievement simply because everyone else appears to be doing it.
So as school begins, certainly ask about homework. Look at the grades. Encourage diligence. Hire the tutor when the child genuinely needs one. But do not let achievement become the loudest voice in your home. Ask what they wondered about today. What made them laugh? What was difficult? What did they create? Who did they help? What question are they still thinking about? Those conversations tell children that we are interested in the whole person God is forming, not merely the score the school recorded.
Engaging Mattering Through the 8 Great Smarts
Word Smart: Ask for their opinions and stories. Let them explain what they are learning and listen closely enough that they know their words carry weight.
Logic Smart: Give them real questions to solve and take their reasoning seriously. Celebrate thoughtful processes, not only correct answers.
Picture Smart: Display something they create. Ask about their drawings, designs, visual ideas, or the way they organize information.
Music Smart: Listen when they want to share music. Give musical gifts places to contribute rather than treating them as secondary to academic achievement.
Body Smart: Notice physical intelligence in sports, building, movement, cooking, fixing, and hands-on work. Give it genuine dignity.
Nature Smart: Invite their observations about animals, plants, weather, systems, and creation. Let their attention teach the family something.
People Smart: Give them opportunities to welcome, encourage, serve, lead, and help others. Show them that relational strength is a real form of contribution.
Self Smart: Give reflective children time to think and process. Ask what they believe they are learning about themselves rather than defining them from the outside.
Remember: However your child is smart, make sure they hear something louder than the pressure to achieve: You matter before the grade arrives, and God has given you something worth developing and offering to the world.