When the World Offers Relief That Steals Our Kids’ Identity
She thought it would help. A surgery. A name change. A shift in how the world saw her. Everyone said it would bring peace.
But years later, standing in a courtroom, she wasn’t asking for applause. She was asking for justice.
This is the true story of Fox Varian, a young woman who, at 16, was encouraged by professionals to undergo a double mastectomy as part of a gender transition. At 22, she sued those who had advised her and won. Her victory marked the first-ever successful detransition malpractice case in the U.S.
This moment isn't just about a courtroom ruling. It’s a mirror held up to a culture that told a teenager: “Change your body, and your soul will be at peace.”
And it didn’t work.
The Ache Beneath the Surface
Dr. Kathy Koch responded to the case with two words: Sad and grateful.
Sad that a young woman had to walk this road. Grateful that the truth was finally named in a courtroom.
But more than that, this case reveals something many parents are silently asking: How do we guide our kids when they are deeply dissatisfied with themselves?
What if our son says he hates who he is? What if our daughter says, “I’m supposed to be someone else”? What do we do with that ache?
Here’s the reality: most kids today are not suffering from clinical gender dysphoria. But many are suffering from confusion, pain, bullying, isolation, and a culture that constantly whispers, “Maybe you’re not who you think you are.”
Dr. Kathy reminds us that dissatisfaction is often misdiagnosed. The problem isn’t the body, it’s the broken voice in the culture telling kids their pain means they’re broken.
Discomfort Doesn’t Always Need a Cure
One of the most dangerous lies our kids are told is this: “If something hurts, fix it immediately.”
But not all pain is a signal to pivot. Sometimes pain is a signal to pause. To ask questions. To listen. To endure with someone beside you.
In Genesis 3, Eve was offered a “solution” to her discomfort: eat and you’ll be wise. But it wasn’t wisdom. It was a reframing of reality that bypassed discernment.
And our kids face the same temptation. When culture offers escape, it rarely tells the full cost.
We must be the ones who say,
“You’re not alone in your confusion. I won’t abandon you to the lie that you’re unlovable as you are.”
We walk with them, hold the line, and offer something deeper than easy answers. We offer truth in love.
We Need a Plan, and So Do Our Kids
Let’s say it clearly: If we don’t help our kids define who they are, someone else will. And that someone might convince them to trade truth for comfort.
That’s why Dr. Kathy and Dr. Jeff Myers wrote Raising Gender Confident Kids. To equip families to build out what C.S. Lewis called “the chest,” a place of moral courage between head and heart.
It’s also why Dr. Kathy challenged us:
Know who you want your child to become.
Teach without apology.
Be available. Be watchful. Be loving.
Don’t over-prioritize “happiness,” prioritize truth, contentment, and courage.
This doesn’t mean we ignore pain. But it means we walk through the valley with our kids instead of offering detours that lead to deeper harm.
Use the 8 Great Smarts to Build Gender Confidence and Discernment
Word Smart - Invite your child to journal their feelings and questions. Help them put language to confusion and clarity alike.
Logic Smart - Walk through real consequences of medical transitions and unpack the difference between feelings and facts.
Picture Smart - Draw or collage identity affirmations: Who does God say you are? What beauty is already inside you?
Music Smart - Listen to songs that affirm dignity and personhood. Then discuss how lyrics shape emotions and beliefs.
Body Smart - Help your child experience their body in healthy ways: sports, dance, gardening. All of these celebrate strength and design.
Nature Smart - Explore how everything in creation has design and purpose. Talk about how gender reflects God’s order.
People Smart - Role-play hard conversations so they can build courage to resist peer pressure and speak truth in love.
Self Smart - Encourage quiet reflection: Who am I really? What voices am I listening to? How does God see me?
Let’s raise kids who are confident in the body they were given. Not by force, but through truth, love, and steadfast presence.
Because when the world says, “Run away from who you are,” we get to say, “Stay rooted in who God made you to be.”
And that light will shine in the darkest moments.