How Compliments Anchor Identity and Change Behavior

What if the words you spoke over your kids today shaped who they become tomorrow?

That’s not just poetic, it’s powerful parenting backed by science, Scripture, and experience.

In today’s podcast, Dr. Kathy reminded us that while 100 affirmations a day might be ideal for behavior change, it’s not necessarily realistic. Especially if you're parenting multiple children, managing a home, or simply trying to survive dinnertime chaos.

Instead, Kathy points to a more achievable and research-supported goal: a 4-to-1 ratio. That means for every correction we give our child, we should give four meaningful compliments.

Think about that. Four positive, specific, truth-filled statements for every moment we coach, redirect, or correct.

This balance doesn’t just improve behavior; it builds respect. And when children respect us, they are more open to our guidance, more likely to confide in us, and more rooted in the values we care about most.

Complimenting Anchors Identity

Our compliments are more than feedback. They’re formation. They tell our kids, “This is who you are becoming.”

Are you affirming your child’s kindness, their creativity, their problem-solving, their perseverance? Are you pointing out when they forgive quickly, try hard, or include a friend?

When we intentionally speak words of affirmation, we reinforce what we value and what we hope continues.

In the Bible we see that blessings aren’t casual. They’re powerful declarations over who a child is and what they’re called to become. At the same time, correcting our kids is essential, but how we do it matters. Dr. Kathy reminds us to be specific and separate identity from behavior.

Instead of saying, “You are careless,” say, “You are being careless.” That small shift turns a permanent label into a temporary action. It gives kids the chance to change without believing they’re doomed to fail.

Even better? Pair correction with hope. “You were being disruptive. I know because you talked over your classmates. But I know you can grow in this. Let’s figure out how.”

The way we talk to our kids teaches them how to talk to themselves. It creates patterns, “body memories,” that shape how they act, how they think, and what they believe about themselves.

Your compliments are seeds. Your corrections are tools. Used with love and wisdom, they help grow strong, grounded, confident kids.

You don’t need to praise your child 100 times a day. But you do need to make your praise intentional, specific, and consistent.

Start with one: “I love how you stayed kind when it was hard today.”
Or: “You were being helpful when you cleared the table without being asked.”
Or: “You showed self-control when you walked away from that argument.”

These little truths? They grow big roots.

Engage the 8 Great Smarts to Speak Life Over Your Kids

Every child is smart. Not just in one way, but in many. Here’s how you can use each of the 8 Great Smarts to affirm your child’s unique identity today:

• Word Smart – Write them a short note or text telling them something you admire. Or let them write affirmations about themselves!

• Logic Smart – Talk about a wise choice they made. “I loved how you figured out that problem, you’re such a thinker.”

• Picture Smart – Let them draw their feelings or make a comic of their week. Compliment their creativity and the emotions behind their work.

• Music Smart – Listen to a song together and ask how it made them feel. Praise their sensitivity to sound or rhythm.

• Body Smart – Praise how they used their body, how they danced, built something, or handled frustration with self-control.

• Nature Smart – Spend time outside and notice what they notice. Compliment their curiosity and care for living things.

• People Smart – Call out their kindness, empathy, or teamwork. “You really understood how your friend was feeling; that was thoughtful.”

• Self Smart – Thank them for being honest, reflective, or brave. Encourage journaling or prayer to deepen their self-awareness.

Remember, you may not hit 100 affirmations a day. But you can hit one that matters. Your words have power, speak life, shape identity, and help your kids grow up secure in who they are and Whose they are.

You're not just managing behavior, you're shaping souls.