Start With the Person in the Mirror: Why Your Tech Habits Matter More Than You Think
Parents often tell their kids, “Put your phone down and go outside.” But inside many homes, the glow of screens reflects something deeper: our children are learning their tech habits from us.
A 2024 study from researcher Jason Nagata confirms what many parents hope isn’t true: the strongest predictor of a child’s screen time is a parent’s screen time. Not boredom. Not peer pressure. Not personality. Us.
Psychologist and researcher Jean Twenge puts it plainly:
“If you don’t want your teens to be looking at their phones at the dinner table, you shouldn’t be taking out your phone at the dinner table either.”
Kids watch us all the time. And they inherit not only our habits, but the hidden messages beneath them. If we constantly reach for our phones, they assume that’s what adulthood looks like. If our conversations get cut short because an alert buzzes, they learn that interruptions are normal. If we rush through homework help to check a notification, they quietly internalize that attention is something earned, not given.
And many parents feel the sting of this realization. As Dr. Kathy says,
“One reason it’s hard for parents to ask kids to use tech less is that they know they would also have to.”
Technology isn’t going away. Work, scheduling, groceries, communication—so much of adult life happens through screens. Kids see that, too. Which means the challenge isn’t banishing phones; it’s modeling a relationship with technology that is healthy, purposeful, and free from control.
Kids Believe the Tech Lies We Believe
Kids mirror what adults believe, even the lies we don’t realize we’ve embraced:
“I have to respond immediately.”
“People will be upset if I’m unavailable.”
“I might miss something important.”
“I’m needed every moment.”
Dr. Kathy sees this every time she teaches on technology:
“If parents are always interrupted by their phones, their children assume they should always be interrupted by theirs.”
When we rush through conversations, our kids learn to rush. When we reach for our phones during every commercial break, they assume attention is something disposable. When we check notifications during dinner, they absorb that presence is optional.
But when we silence our phone because we value people more than pings, they notice that, too.
The Change Process: Take Off Before You Put On
Parents often say, “Put down the phone,” but don’t finish the sentence.
Kids think: And then what?
Dr. Kathy explains the biblical principle from Ephesians 4:
“Take off the old so you can put on the new.”
Real change isn’t subtraction, it’s exchange.
If we remove the screen without replacing it, kids panic. But if we say:
“Put down your phone so we can play checkers,”
“…bake brownies,”
“…shoot hoops,”
“…read together,”
We’re not taking something away; we’re giving something better.
Dr. Kathy recommends leaving alternatives visible: a Sudoku book, coloring tools, a soccer ball, a board game, a craft bin, baking supplies. The easier something is to grab, the more likely a child will choose it.
Screens are appealing because they’re accessible.
So make connection accessible, too.
Courage for a Tech-Saturated Life
For many parents, the hardest step isn’t limiting kids’ phones, it’s limiting their own.
Because saying, “I won’t be reachable right now,” feels foreign, risky, even rude.
They worry:
Will my friends think I’m ignoring them?
Will coworkers think I’m unreliable?
Will I offend someone if I set boundaries?
But Dr. Kathy reminds us:
“The game plan starts when you value yourself and your family enough to invest time without the phone.”
We teach our kids courage by living courageously.
We teach them boundaries by setting them.
We teach them the difference between need and want by modeling it.
And we teach them that they matter, not by telling them, but by showing them that our gaze rests on them, not a screen.