Beyond “Fine”: How to Ask Questions That Shape Your Child’s Identity
Every parent knows the feeling.
You ask, “How was your day?”
And you get the classic one-word answer: “Fine.”
It’s not that kids don’t have anything to say. It’s often that they don’t know where to start.
“Kids come home with a full heart and a full head,” says Dr. Kathy Koch. “They’ve talked all day, followed rules they didn’t make, sat through subjects they didn’t choose. Then they walk in the door and we immediately ask for more words.”
No wonder they shut down.
Timing matters. Dr. Kathy suggests that sometimes, the best question is the one you don’t ask, at least not yet.
“If they get home before both parents are there, wait,” she says. “If they tell their story once, they might not want to tell it again. Save the conversation for dinner when everyone’s together.”
And sometimes, the best start isn’t a question at all, it’s space. “They might need a snack first, or time to run, or quiet before talking. You know your child. If they’re introverted or tired, don’t force the conversation right away.”
Ask About Who They Are, Not Just What They Did
We often focus on performance, things like grades, games, or test scores. But Dr. Kathy reminds parents that children are human beings, not human doings.
“If you always ask first about performance, they’ll think that’s what matters most to you,” she says.
Dr. Kathy encourages parents to think about five areas of a child’s identity: intellectual, emotional, social, physical, and spiritual. Ask questions about each one naturally through conversation:
Intellectual: “What’s something that made you curious today?” or “What’s a mistake you learned from?”
Emotional: “How did you feel at school today?” or “Was there a time you were disappointed or proud?”
Social: “Who did you help today?” or “Did you notice anyone lonely?”
Physical: “What was your favorite part of recess?” or “Did you get to move around in PE?”
Spiritual: “How did God show up in your day?” or “Did you get to put His love on display?”
For a fun twist, she suggests a “Go Fish Pile” at dinner, where each person draws a random card with a topic like “emotional,” “math,” or “friendship.” The randomness makes it feel like play, not pressure.
When in doubt, Dr. Kathy uses three C’s:
“Ask, When were you curious today? When were you confused? When did you feel confident?”
These questions invite honesty without judgment. ‘When’ assumes they were curious or confused, it normalizes it. It’s not a test; it’s permission, and confidence, not arrogance, is something we want our kids to carry.”
Reflection Becomes Redemption
Jesus modeled this kind of question-asking. After Peter denied Him three times, Jesus met him on the shore and asked gently, “Do you love me?” three times (John 21:15–17).
He wasn’t shaming Peter, He was restoring him. Each question reconnected Peter to his purpose: Love leads to action.
A question like “Who were you proud of today?” or “What did you learn about yourself?” tells your child that they are thinkers and feelers, and that their actions matter and their hearts matter more.
That’s the power of reflection: it renews identity.
When we listen longer and speak less, we mirror the restoring love of Christ. We invite our kids to see the best of who they already are, and who they’re becoming.