Valentine’s Day, Friendships, and the Heart Work That Really Matters

It’s that time of year again. Candy boxes and class Valentine exchanges are filling backpacks and dinner table conversations.

And with it all comes something deeper, maybe even a little complicated: how our kids think about love and friendship.

In this season, our kids feel a wide range of emotions, affection, anticipation, fear, and even awkwardness. Some of them are excited. Others are nervous. And some are already wrestling with questions they can’t quite articulate:

Do people like me? Am I lovable?

Valentine’s Day gives us a chance to talk, not just about candy or cards, but about how God designed us to live in relationship with others… and how we guide our children into those relationships wisely.

What Is a Real Friend, Anyway?

Dr. Kathy reminds us that “friendship is a state of being friendly,” and friendliness is full of character qualities: loyalty, kindness, patience, honesty, humility, and compassion.

In a world where “friend” has become a digital word we use for people we may never talk to, our kids need to understand the real thing.
They need to know that friendship isn’t about popularity or performance; it’s about commitment and joyfully choosing to prioritize someone else.

We teach our kids this by how we model friendship, but also by helping them name what they’re experiencing.

Not Every Relationship Is a Friendship (And That’s Okay)

We don’t have to be best friends with everyone. But we are called to be friendly to everyone.

Dr. Kathy offers a framework that helps: Four levels of relationship, Casual, Close, Transparent, and Mature.

• Casual relationships are built on proximity, classmates, neighbors, and youth group acquaintances.

• Close relationships share personal likes and dislikes.

• Transparent friendships involve deeper trust and shared experiences.

• Mature friendships are reserved for those heading toward a potential marriage relationship, based on shared purpose and accountability.

This framework helps kids form healthy boundaries. It allows them to assess when a friendship is safe to deepen, or when it’s wise to take a step back.

We can teach them to discern disrespect or manipulation as signs to shift the relationship. And we can affirm that backing away isn’t cruelty, it’s wisdom.

Self Respect: The Starting Point for Every Relationship

Wayne asked a profound question: How do we help our kids love others if they don’t love themselves?

Dr. Kathy responded with the words of Jesus:
“Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31).

That assumes something essential, that our kids understand they matter. That their hearts and bodies are valuable. That they are created in the image of God.

Self respect isn’t arrogance. It’s dignity. It’s a holy recognition that says, “Because God made me, I am worthy of love, and I will treat others as though they are too.”

When our children live from this truth, they choose friendships that honor them and reflect who God made them to be.

Bible Connection: Loving God, Loving Others, Loving Ourselves

Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:30–31).

He doesn’t separate self respect from neighbor-love. In fact, it’s woven together.

If our children know they are loved by God, they’ll learn to love themselves in a healthy, biblical way, and that will overflow into their friendships.

This is what we want for them: friendships grounded in grace, respect, courage, and faith. Not ones driven by popularity or peer pressure, but by purpose.

8 Great Smarts: Helping Kids Build Healthy Friendships

Use your child’s smarts to help them understand friendship and grow self-respect:

• Word Smart
  Encourage your child to write a friendship poem or note of encouragement to a classmate. Help them name what makes a good friend.

• Logic Smart
  Talk through real life friendship scenarios: “What would you do if a friend started gossiping about someone?” Let them problem solve and plan.

• Picture Smart
  Have your child draw a map of their heart, showing where different people in their life fall on a scale from casual to mature.

• Music Smart
  Make a “Friendship Playlist” together, songs that celebrate love and kindness. Let it become a family soundtrack for this season.

• Body Smart
  Act out friendship scenarios, practice how to kindly say “no,” walk away from gossip, or greet someone new with confidence.

• Nature Smart
  Take a walk and talk about friendship like a garden, how trust grows over time, how weeds (like dishonesty) hurt, and what healthy soil looks like.

• People Smart
  Host a group hangout and observe what kinds of people bring out the best in your child. Reflect together on who feels safe and respected.

• Self Smart
  Create a “Know Yourself” journal page. Ask: What kind of friend am I? What makes me feel valued? What do I need in a friendship?

Remember: Friendship is a skill, not just a feeling.

And this Valentine’s season, we get to coach our kids toward something better than candy or compliments. We get to raise them into relationships that reflect the love of Christ, thoughtful and full of grace.