Don’t Let the Algorithm Raise Your Child
A child watches one video about a game, a celebrity, a sport, a style, or an idea, and suddenly the internet seems convinced it’s the most important thing in their life. One video becomes fifty, and within a few days the feed feels less like a collection of options and more like a world that has been custom built around one interest. Adults experience this too. Search for one product or pause on one video long enough, and suddenly similar content appears everywhere. What feels like personalization can become something much more formative when the person on the other side of the screen is still figuring out who they are.
That concern was at the center of a recent Celebrate Kids Podcast conversation about social media algorithms and identity development. The episode focused on concerns about how recommendation systems can keep users in increasingly narrow streams of content and keep them watching and clicking. Dr. Kathy described one of her greatest concerns as the possibility that children begin “camping” in one part of themselves until that interest becomes the dominant explanation of who they are. A child may love a game, a musician, an athlete, a style, or a particular online community, and none of those interests is automatically unhealthy. The problem begins when the algorithm continually reflects one part of the child back to them until they start believing that part is the whole person.
A Narrow Identity Is Still a Fragile Identity
Identity formation has always involved trying things on. A teenager may become deeply interested in music, sports, theater, science, politics, fashion, art, or something else for a season, and those interests can be wonderful ways to discover gifts and passions. The difference is that previous generations were naturally pulled into other environments throughout the day. A band student also ate dinner with grandparents, interacted with neighbors, played outside, joined a club, worked a job, attended church, or developed friendships with people who did not care about band at all. Those different settings required the young person to encounter multiple parts of themselves.
Algorithms can interrupt some of that breadth because they are designed to notice what holds attention and provide more of it. If a young person continually engages one subject, the feed does not usually respond, “That is enough for today. Let me help you discover a completely different side of yourself.” It provides more of what worked. Over time, that can make identity feel strangely narrow: I am the gamer, I am the athlete, I am the person obsessed with this celebrity, I am the kid who thinks about this issue, I am the person who belongs to this community. When one category carries too much weight, any threat to that category can begin to feel like a threat to the self.
Comparison Can Keep the Loop Going
The narrowing effect can also become a comparison loop. Dr. Kathy described doing an ordinary online search and then quickly encountering repeated related content that invited more clicking, comparing, wondering, and second guessing. Adults can recognize what is happening and still get pulled into it. We have developed friendly phrases like “going down a rabbit hole” or “doomscrolling,” but those phrases can sometimes make something intentionally habit forming sound almost harmless.
For a developing child, the loop can carry additional weight because they are not only comparing products or information. They may be comparing faces, bodies, talent, popularity, relationships, homes, experiences, accomplishments, and entire ways of living. The feed can repeatedly show a child people who seem better at the exact thing the child values most. That can gradually turn an interest that once brought joy into a measure of worth.
Devices Can Teach More Than Content
The content itself is only part of what's being formed. The way children use technology can teach habits too. Dr. Kathy raised impatience as one example. Many adults grew up in environments where waiting was unavoidable, while children today can skip, swipe, fast forward, change apps, quit games, and find another option within seconds.
Those tiny decisions can accumulate into expectations about life. Bored? Change it. Frustrated? Exit. Losing? Restart. A person annoys you? Block them. A task gets difficult? Find something more rewarding. None of those choices is inherently destructive in isolation, but repeated constantly, they can make perseverance feel unusually unnatural when real life refuses to offer a skip button.
We Don’t Want Kids Practicing Quitting
Dr. Kathy used the simple example of abandoning a puzzle she no longer enjoyed. There is nothing morally wrong with deleting a free puzzle. Adults should not force themselves to finish every meaningless task they begin simply to prove their character. But she raised a better question: what happens if we repeatedly train ourselves to exit whenever something becomes difficult or less interesting than we hoped?
Children need experiences where they discover that difficulty is survivable. Friendships get messy. Math becomes hard. Sports seasons include losing. Musical instruments eventually stop being easy. Jobs require doing tasks we would not voluntarily choose. Marriage and family life certainly do not provide an exit button every time another human being becomes inconvenient. Perseverance develops because children remain in enough manageable challenges to discover that hard is not the same as impossible.
Understand Their World Before Correcting It
Parents can easily hear concerns about algorithms and respond with contempt toward what kids enjoy. That usually closes the conversation quickly. Dr. Kathy emphasized that adults should remember this digital environment is the world young people inherited. If we had been handed smartphones, social media, algorithmic feeds, and instant entertainment throughout our developmental years, they would have shaped us too.
That perspective creates compassion without surrendering authority. We can say, “I understand why you like this app,” while also saying, “I do not like what I see happening to you after you use it.” Both can be true. A parent can respect why something is attractive and still decide it is not healthy enough to remain unlimited.
Limits Can Be an Expression of Love
That leads to one of the episode's most important ideas: parents are allowed to parent. If an app appears to be changing a child's spirit, narrowing their interests, damaging relationships, or affecting how they treat people, removing it or limiting it can be appropriate. That decision does not need to be framed as punishment. It can be framed as stewardship.
“We value you too much to let this shape you without limits.” “We have noticed that after an hour on this app, you treat your sister differently.” “You used to enjoy several things, and lately everything seems to revolve around this one thing.” “We are not willing to let a program raise you.” Those conversations will not always make children happy, but parental faithfulness cannot be measured only by whether children agree with every boundary.
Give Them a Larger World
One of the best responses to narrowing algorithms is not merely subtracting technology but enlarging life. Children need real people, real responsibilities, real neighborhoods, real places, and real experiences. They need to discover that they are more than whatever holds their attention today.
Let them play an instrument and help Grandpa in the garage. Let them play soccer and learn to cook. Let them read fantasy novels and serve at church. Let them be picture smart in art class and discover that they are people smart while helping a younger child. Development expands when children repeatedly encounter new situations that reveal gifts, weaknesses, responsibilities, and joys they would not have found by staying inside one personalized stream.
That is one reason Dr. Kathy often talks about awakening the smarts. Children have all eight, even though some will naturally be stronger. New experiences can awaken capacities they have barely used. An algorithm usually gives more of what the child already prefers; wise adults can introduce what the child does not yet know they might love.
Real People Make Us More Flexible
Relationships matter because people refuse to behave like algorithms. Real people have opinions we did not request. They interrupt us. They disagree. They tell stories we would never have searched for. They introduce hobbies, ideas, places, and questions outside our existing interests.
That unpredictability can be frustrating, but it is also deeply developmental. Proverbs describes iron sharpening iron because human beings change one another through contact. People who are not perfectly tailored to us challenge, correct, surprise, encourage, and stretch us. Personalized technology increasingly removes friction. Healthy relationships teach us how to live through it.
The Five Core Needs Need a Bigger Foundation
The Five Core Needs make the concern even clearer. If security becomes “I can always return to this feed,” identity becomes “I am this kind of person,” belonging becomes “These are my online people,” purpose becomes “I need to create or consume more of this,” and competence becomes “This is what I know how to do,” the whole structure becomes unusually dependent on a fragile environment.
Children need more. Security ultimately answers, “Who can I trust?” with Christ, not an algorithm. Identity asks, “Who am I?” and begins with being created by God and belonging to Christ. Belonging includes embodied relationships with family, church, friends, mentors, and community. Purpose grows from discovering where God has placed us to love and serve. Competence develops across many gifts, not in one narrow arena.
Good Things Can Still Become Too Important
Mark 10 gives us a powerful biblical picture of this dynamic. The rich young ruler approaches Jesus with seriousness and apparent moral commitment. He has kept the commandments and appears to have many things his culture would have recognized as evidence of success. Jesus does not accuse him of possessing something obviously evil. Instead, He exposes the good thing that has become too important.
“Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor,” Jesus tells him, “then come, follow me.” The man walks away sad because he has great wealth. His possessions are not merely things he owns. They have become something his heart cannot imagine releasing.
What Can Our Kids Not Imagine Losing?
That question reaches our children too. What if the thing they cannot imagine losing is not money but an audience, a streak, a game, a platform, a follower count, an online identity, or access to a particular community? What happens when removing the app feels like removing part of themselves?
That reaction gives parents information. We do not need to conclude that every strong attachment is idolatry, but we should pay attention when something created begins carrying the weight of ultimate things. Jesus invites the rich young ruler away from what controls him and toward Himself. The abundant life isn't found by collecting enough things to tell us who we are; it is found by following Christ.
Don’t Let the Feed Finish the Sentence
Our kids will hear thousands of messages trying to finish the sentence, “You are the kind of person who...” The algorithm will make guesses based on what they click, how long they watch, what they purchase, and what repeatedly captures their attention. Some of those guesses will be impressively accurate. But an accurate prediction is not the same as a complete identity.
Parents get to tell a larger story. “You love music, but you are more than a musician.” “You are talented at soccer, but you are more than an athlete.” “You care deeply about this issue, but one cause does not contain your entire purpose.” “You enjoy this game, but you were created for a world much larger than this screen.” And ultimately: “Before any of those things, you belong to Christ.”
The goal is not children who never develop intense interests. We want passion, curiosity, competence, enthusiasm, and excellence. We simply don't want a personalized feed to reduce a wonderfully complex child to whatever keeps them clicking. Our task is to keep opening windows into a larger world until our kids know that they were created by God with more capacity and a much deeper identity than an algorithm could ever calculate.
Engaging a Broader Identity Through the 8 Great Smarts
Word Smart: Introduce new books, conversations, storytelling, writing, and people whose ideas stretch beyond the child's usual interests.
Logic Smart: Show them how recommendation systems work and ask what the algorithm might be trying to predict or encourage. Let them analyze their own feed.
Picture Smart: Create art away from screens, visit museums, photograph something new, build models, or expose them to visual experiences they did not choose algorithmically.
Music Smart: Introduce unfamiliar genres, attend live performances, make music rather than only consuming it, and encourage them to experience music socially.
Body Smart: Get into the physical world. Build, hike, play, repair, exercise, cook, garden, or learn a skill that requires the body and cannot be accomplished by swiping.
Nature Smart: Spend time outside where the environment is not personalized. Explore, observe, classify, garden, camp, and encounter a world that does not reorganize itself around preferences.
People Smart: Prioritize relationships with people of different ages, interests, backgrounds, and personalities. Let real people broaden the child's experience.
Self Smart: Encourage reflection about influence. Ask, “Do you think you chose this interest, or has the feed been strengthening it?” and “Who are you when you are not online?”
Remember: However your child is smart, remember this: the algorithm may know what keeps their attention, but it does not know who God created them to become. Don’t let the feed finish that sentence.