What If Success Isn’t What You Think It Is?
Every parent says it.
“I just want my kids to be successful.”
But pause for a moment and really ask yourself:
What picture pops into your head when you say that?
Is it a college acceptance letter? A stable job? Confidence? Happiness? Faith? Or maybe just… not struggling the way you did?
Today, success is loud. It’s measured and constantly compared. Kids absorb that pressure early. Grades become identities. Performance becomes worth. And before we realize it, success stops being about becoming someone and starts being about proving something.
In a recent Facing the Dark episode of the Celebrate Kids podcast, Dr. Kathy and I challenged parents to slow down and rethink the definition of success entirely, because how we define success quietly shapes how we call our kids to live and what to believe.
The Checklist Version of Success (And Why It Falls Short)
A popular study recently outlined five traits commonly found in successful kids. They highlight optimism, personalized motivation, learning beyond the classroom, a love of knowledge, and supportive parents as markers of a successful kid.
On the surface, that sounds right. But Dr. Kathy stopped the conversation short with one important truth:
Knowledge without wisdom isn’t success, it’s risk.
Information alone doesn’t guide a life. Wisdom does. And wisdom isn’t just knowing more, it’s knowing what matters, why it matters, and how to live it out.
From Chasing Outcomes to Building Character
If kids are taught that success equals winning, they’ll fear losing. If success equals approval, they’ll chase applause.
But when success is rooted in truth, purpose, and growth, kids become steady, even when life isn’t.
Dr. Kathy describes real success this way:
“Success is contentment without stagnation. Growth without comparison. Joy that isn’t fragile.”
That kind of success doesn’t disappear when plans fall apart. It deepens.
The Muscle We Forget to Train
In our conversation, I point out what’s often missing in conversations about success: resilience.
Optimism sounds good. But optimism alone won’t carry your kid through disappointment or rejection. Life will say no. People will let them down and plans will change.
Resilience teaches kids how to stand back up without hardening their hearts or shrinking their hopes.
Dr. Kathy puts it plainly:
“Resilient kids don’t deny pain. They move through it.”
And that skill doesn’t develop by accident. It grows when parents allow challenge and coach through failure when challenge becomes and obstacle kids can’t climb over alone. Resilience grows when we refuse to rescue too quickly.
Redefining Success at Home (Before the World Does)
Here’s a question worth asking at your dinner table:
If your child felt successful at 30, what would you hope their life looked like?
Not their résumé, their life.
Would they:
have meaningful relationships?
know who they are and whose they are?
serve others without losing themselves?
keep learning without being driven by fear?
stand firm when truth costs them something?
Those outcomes don’t come from pressure; they come from formation.
A Faith-Shaped Definition That Holds
Scripture offers a radically different model from what many of us might term success. Paul lists his achievements, status, education, reputation, and then tosses them.
Why?
Because knowing Christ mattered more than being impressive.
That reframes everything.
Success isn’t reaching the top; it’s running the right race. When kids understand that, grades lose their power to define them and faith becomes more than an add-on, it becomes an anchor.
Helping Kids Experience This Kind of Success
This vision of success can’t stay theoretical. Kids need to live it.
Let them wrestle with hard questions instead of rushing to answers.
Invite them to reflect on moments they felt proud for the right reasons.
Give them chances to serve, struggle, recover, and grow.
Talk openly about failure—not as catastrophe, but as training.
Success takes shape when kids feel seen, guided, and trusted—not when they’re managed.
Use the 8 Smarts to Help Kids Redefine Success
Every child is smart, but they’re not all smart in the same way. When parents understand and affirm their child's smarts, it builds identity and a healthy, personal definition of success. Here’s how you can encourage each smart as your child grows to understand success:
Word Smart
Talk with your child about how success isn’t just getting the right answer, it’s asking the right questions. Let them write about what matters to them. Help them journal or reflect on times they grew through challenge.
Picture Smart
Invite them to draw or imagine what a “successful life” could look like; full of purpose, not pressure. Use vision boards or sketch goals that reflect character and impact, not just achievement.
Body Smart
Let them experience success through action. Celebrate growth in sports, dance, chores, or building projects. Let them feel that trying again is its own kind of success.
Music Smart
Use music to explore themes of growth, faith, and resilience. Let them write songs or make playlists that reflect seasons of success or overcoming. Talk about lyrics that speak truth about who they are.
Logic Smart
Help them ask deeper questions: “Why does this matter?” or “What’s the goal behind this goal?” Show how true success includes faith, relationships, and wisdom, not just efficiency and results.
Nature Smart
Use nature as a metaphor for growth: seeds, seasons, weathering storms. Go for a walk and talk about the slow, steady work God does in all living things. Growth takes time, and that’s okay.
People Smart
Invite them to reflect on how their actions impact others. Let them lead, mentor, or encourage someone else. Success isn't just being great, it's helping others flourish, too.
Self Smart
Give them quiet space to reflect. Ask, “What do you think real success is?” and “When have you felt proud of who you were becoming?” These inward questions form the roots of deep, lasting growth.
Remember, when parents stop asking,
“Are you succeeding?”
and start asking,
“Who are you becoming?”
Everything changes.
Pressure gives way to purpose.
Fear gives way to courage.
Performance gives way to formation.
That’s the kind of success that lasts.
And that’s the kind of success worth building, one conversation, one challenge, one faithful step at a time.