Helping Boys Find Their Words
A new Pew Research Center survey revealed something sobering: only 38% of teen boys feel comfortable talking about their mental health with friends. Compare that to 58% of teen girls. Add to this the fact that nearly half of boys report feeling pressure to be physically strong, and it’s no surprise so many young men turn to influencers in the “manosphere” for guidance. They’re searching for a version of masculinity that makes sense to them.
At the same time, another study shows that when teens cut their social media use in half, they feel better about themselves, their appearance, their weight, and even their overall mood. These findings reveal a paradox: our boys are hungry for strength and belonging, but they’re missing the spaces and language to process their inner world.
Why Anger Feels Safe
Dr. Kathy often points out that boys don’t lack emotions; they lack vocabulary. Men and women experience the same range of feelings, but girls are more likely to name them with nuance: “I’m disappointed,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m embarrassed.” Boys often just say, “I’m mad.” Anger becomes the safe bucket for everything: grief, shame, frustration, loneliness.
That matters because anger is never the first emotion. Something always comes before it. When boys don’t learn to name that “something,” they risk defining themselves by anger alone. Angry kids can lash out, withdraw, or believe they’re broken. But when we give them the words, disappointed, nervous, left out, ashamed, they begin to see themselves more clearly.
What Parents Can Do
The answer isn’t to force boys to talk like girls or sit them down for long therapy-style conversations at the dinner table. Instead, parents can create small, safe spaces for boys to open up and share their feelings.
Catch them in motion. Consider their smarts. They might enjoy talking more if they’re body smart shooting hoops, fishing, or walking the dog. Or, they might be more interested in conversation after listening to their favorite song, spending time painting, or after you sit with them for a while in their room.
Offer choices. Instead of asking, “Why are you mad?” try, “Are you frustrated about the test? Or disappointed about what your friend said?” Multiple-choice questions make feelings easier to grasp and help them consider their feelings on a spectrum of choices, which teaches them their emotions are specific and often the result of a leading cause.
Make these conversations normal. Use humor and storytelling to share your own feelings. When your child hears you say, “I was nervous before that meeting,” they learn that vulnerability is strength, not weakness.
Guide identity. Remind your son that his feelings are real, but they don’t define him. He’s not “an angry kid,” he’s a loved child of God learning to manage emotions.
A Biblical Picture of Honest Struggle
The prophet Elijah knew the emotional struggle well. After his dramatic victory on Mount Carmel, he collapsed into despair, telling God he was ready to die (1 Kings 19). God didn’t scold him. He provided rest, food, and, eventually, His gentle whisper. Elijah discovered that true strength isn’t found in noise, fire, or force, it’s found in God’s steady presence.
That’s a message our boys need. Struggling doesn’t make them weak. Silence doesn’t make them strong. Real strength comes from resting in God and walking in His design.
Using the 8 Great Smarts to Open Conversations
Dr. Kathy’s 8 Great Smarts can help you spark conversations with your son in ways that fit how he learns best:
Word Smart: Encourage journaling feelings, even with just one word a day.
Logic Smart: Talk through “if-then” scenarios: “If you feel left out, what could you do next time?”
Picture Smart: Let him draw his day as a comic strip. Stick figures count!
Music Smart: Share songs that name emotions; ask what he hears.
Body Smart: Toss a football back and forth while talking about the day.
Nature Smart: Take a walk outside and ask, “What was the hardest moment today?”
People Smart: Role-play conversations he might have with a friend.
Self Smart: Give space for quiet reflection, maybe through prayer or a bedtime chat.
Remember: Helping boys find their words isn’t just about emotional health, it’s about shaping identity. When boys know they can express feelings without shame, they learn that being strong includes being honest. They realize they’re not defined by anger but by the God who made them and walks with them.
Parents, your presence, your questions, and your patience can be the steady whisper that points your sons toward true strength.