Helping Kids Find Their Identity Beyond the Screen

You’ve probably seen it: the glow of a screen lighting up your child’s face late into the evening, the quick reflexes, the laughter, the sighs, the laser focus. Maybe you’ve wondered, “Is this just a game… or something deeper?”

Dr. Kathy Koch recently unpacked how gaming is shaping a generation of young men, not just their habits, but their hearts.

“Any parent who recognizes this, my hat’s off to you,” Dr. Kathy said. “That means you’ve engaged, you’ve observed, you’ve interacted with your child.”

That’s an important reminder. The goal isn’t to shame kids for playing. It’s to understand why they play, and what’s happening inside them when they do.

When Competence Becomes Identity

I recently shared a New York Times article with Dr. Kathy, where young men ages 15–24 said they have doubled their gaming time over the last decade to about 10 hours a week. Many say gaming helps them relax, connect with others, and “escape the stress of everyday life.”

Dr. Kathy responded with compassion and clarity:

“Children need competence. It’s one of their core needs. If they don’t feel competent, they’ll go to where they do, and that might be a video game.”

That’s powerful. When kids don’t feel capable in real life, maybe they’re struggling in school, friendships, or family relationships, they look for a place where they can feel successful. In gaming, they can control the outcome, progress through levels, and win. It feels good. It feels safe.

But when competence becomes their source of identity and security, the joy disappears. “If all our needs were met through this podcast,” Dr. Kathy told me, “we’d be stressed, not joyful.” That same truth applies to our kids. When competence replaces connection with God as their anchor, pressure replaces peace.

Restoring Real Security

So what can parents do? Dr. Kathy offered this simple but profound direction:

“Affirm them. Tell them why they’re good at something: their quick problem-solving, their memory, their creativity. Then challenge them to find their identity in Christ.”

That blend of affirmation and redirection helps children see their gifts as reflections of God’s design, not replacements for His presence. It also reminds us that balance isn’t about strict screen limits; it’s about spiritual alignment.

Gaming isn’t evil; it’s a mirror. It shows us where our kids are finding their worth. Even the rich young ruler struggled with this. His sense of self came from what he could control and achieve. Jesus offered him freedom through surrender.

And that’s where real identity begins, in surrender to Christ, not success in a game.

Dr. Kathy notes that we have a calling in this. “We’ve got to help young people believe in their purpose, that God designed them for such a time as this. There are real problems that need solving. God created them for more than the next level of a game.”

That’s not just good parenting advice; that’s discipleship. When we connect our kids’ passions and skills to God’s purposes, we awaken something eternal. We show them that they were made to build, lead, serve, and love, not just to play.

Bringing It Home: Connecting This to the 8 Great Smarts

Here’s how you can use the 8 Great Smarts to awaken connection and purpose around this topic:

• Word Smart: Talk about the words identity and purpose. What does God say about who we are? Read Psalm 139 together.

• Logic Smart: Help your child reason through how gaming affects mood, motivation, and time. Ask: “What’s the return on the hours you play?”

• Picture Smart: Invite your child to draw or design what their “real life level-up” could look like — goals, relationships, faith steps.

• Body Smart: Balance screen time with movement. Kick a soccer ball, take a walk, or play a board game to bring energy back to reality.

• Music Smart: Create a “confidence playlist” — songs that remind your child who they are in Christ.

• Nature Smart: Step outside. Remind them that God’s world is bigger than any digital one.

• People Smart: Game together. Talk afterward about teamwork, integrity, and encouragement.

• Self Smart: Encourage journaling or prayer reflection on where they find peace — and whether that peace lasts.

Remember, gaming can reveal where our kids are searching for meaning, and that’s not something to fear. It’s something to steward.